Punchlines

Cheap fix

A woman went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.

"Every time I lie down on my bed, I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath."

"Wow," responded the psychiatrist. "I've never heard of such a phobia but, like all phobias, it can be treated. It will likely take around 20 sessions."

"OK," said the woman. "How much do you charge?"

"My rate is $200 per session, but trust me, it's well worth it."

When the woman didn't show up for her follow-up visits, the psychiatrist gave her a call.

"How come you didn't come back in?" he asked.

She said, "Oh, my husband found a cure."

"Oh, really?" said the psychiatrist. "Is he a trained professional?"

She said, "No, but when I came home and told him how much it would cost, he just cut the legs off the bed."

Keep looking

When the lodge meeting broke up, John confided to a friend.

"Don, I'm in a terrible pickle. I'm strapped for cash, and I haven't the slightest idea where I'm going to get it."

"I'm glad to hear that," answered Don. "I was afraid you might think you could borrow it from me."

Properly phrased

A long time ago, a kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100 percent Texan, spotted some cowboys and drawled, "Hey, Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little farther along, they saw more cowboys, and the kid said, "Hey, Maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs!"

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "what manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"

Limited menu

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

Don't blink

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on Earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

So broke ...

When I'm being robbed, I don't use pepper spray.

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Logically

Why can you not hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

Stinker

There's an old saying that you can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Unless, of course, you play bass.

Easy fix

A husband and wife are sitting down for dinner one night when the wife says, "You know, the neighbors have an amazing layout for their kitchen with granite benches and beautiful cupboards. I see it from our kitchen every day. Why can't we do something like that?"

The man thinks for a moment before replying, "Tell you what, I have the day off tomorrow so I'll get something done before you get home."

The following day, the woman goes about her daily business at work, eager to get home and see her newly remodeled kitchen. Finally home, she rushes to the kitchen to find that he's boarded up the kitchen window.

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's not the first time Obama's done something like this. Remember that time he said the Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns." - Jimmy Kimmel

• "President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut." - Conan O'Brien

• "There's a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he's got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It's all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, 'Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee.'" - David Letterman

• "During President Obama's visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he reenacts it with Congress all the time." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Obama actually told the student, 'No, I was born in 1961.' Then the kid said, 'Where?' Then Obama said, 'Uh, next question." - Jimmy Fallon

• "House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month." - Jimmy Fallon

• "According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday." - Jimmy Kimmel

• "The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man jumped a fence and entered the White House. In their defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was [Vice President] Biden." - Craig Ferguson

• "The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they'll start locking the front door. They're also going to start asking who's there when someone knocks." - Conan O'Brien

• "This guy gets all the way to the front porch of the White House. So they beefed it up. The security people added to the front door one of the sliding chain things." - David Letterman

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.