Amy Boulware walks alongside caregivers as part of her job. When she found herself caregiving for her grandmother and mother, she thought she had the tools she needed.
"I did not expect to be caregiving for two," says Boulware. "My grandmother moved closer so we could take care of her. Shortly after she moved, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I quickly realized caregiving is very different when it is your own family."
At one point Boulware found herself running between hospital rooms trying to care for her mom and grandmother. On top of her caregiving responsibilities, she continued working and caring for her family.
"I was definitely burning the candle at both ends trying to keep up," says Boulware. "One night, I came home late. As I walked through the door, my youngest daughter yelled from the bathroom, 'Mom, can you get me some toilet paper?' I went to where we usually keep toilet paper. There was none. I searched the other bathrooms. There was no toilet paper in the house. I had a complete meltdown over no toilet paper. As I'm lying on the bed sobbing, my oldest daughter comes in the room with a very large package of toilet paper.
She says to me, 'Mom, Daddy and I talked on the way to the store, and we are pretty sure this really isn't about toilet paper, but here is toilet paper and a pint of chocolate ice cream because we thought you needed it.'"
The 'toliet paper incident' made Boulware realize she was exhausted trying to do everything herself.
"Carrying the load by myself was not the answer," says Boulware. "I called my uncle and asked him to take over the finances. I called my sister and asked her to come home more often. We hired caregivers to help with my grandmother, and we did some other creative things that made a huge difference."
Having walked this road, Boulware has some words of wisdom for caregivers.
> Ask for help. Recognize what people are good at and ask them to help you in those areas. Help can come from many places including family, the faith community, friends and paid caregivers.
> Time off is a must. Thursday night was designated as Date Night for the Boulwares. Nothing interfered with that time. Caregivers, family, friends and co-workers all knew Thursday evening was sacred and assisted the Boulwares in getting much-needed time away. Phones were turned off, and discussions about caregiving were off-limits.
> Routine changes can help. Boulware's grandmother lived close to her daughters' school, so the girls went to their great-grandmother's after school. One night a week, the family ate dinner there. Making this change did away with a lot of stress. The memories made with their great-grandmother during this time are forever etched in their memory.
> Be a supportive spouse. Never once did Boulware's husband tell her this was too much. She described him as supportive and a great gift as he walked this hard road with her. It brought them closer together as a couple
Being a caregiver is innately stressful. Taking care of yourself is a vital part of the caregiving process. If you are running on empty, it is difficult to effectively care for others. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. A helping hand or two can make all the difference.
Contact Julie Baumgardner, president and CEO of First Things First, at julieb@firstthings.org.