Punchlines

RIP, Joan Rivers

Comic legend Joan Rivers, who died Sept. 4, was known for skewering celebrities on "Fashion Police," but she poked plenty of fun at herself during her stand-up career. A sampling from eonline.com:

• "I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'"

• "I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade."

• "Why women don't blink during foreplay ... not enough time."

• "The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud."

• "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

• "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."

• "You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it."

• "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police."

• "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

• "I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."

• "Had a friend who is going through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet."

• "Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on ... she's had more tucks than a motel bed sheet!"

• "I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not: they sent it back and said, 'We don't believe it.'"

• "I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."

• "I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

• "I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963."

• "A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."

• "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

• "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

• "You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."

• "Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."

Just a wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over, and select the one you want."

The man went on a date with the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning, the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were wed right away.

Months later, the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Bad lessons

The boy tells his dad, "I got an F in arithmetic."

Dad says, "Why?"

The boy says, "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said 6."

Dad says, "But that's right!"

The boy says, "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"

Dad says, "What's the (bleeping) difference?"

The boy says, "That's exactly what I said!"

Court proceedings

More quotes said to be taken from actual court transcripts.

• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?"

• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?"

• Witness: "Yes."

• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

• Witness: "I forget."

• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

• Witness: "Er ... his face."

Cheater cheater

Teacher: You copied from Fred's quiz paper, didn't you.

Sam: How did you know?

Teacher: Fred's paper says, "I don't know," and you put, "Me neither."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.