Punchlines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 things to look forward to in the new television season:10. "The Bachelor" proposes to himself.9. "60 Minutes" adds a young, edgy, 75-year-old correspondent.8. "Real Housewives of the Vatican."7. Special "Grey's Anatomy" episode, which answers the question, "'Grey's Anatomy' is still on?!?"6. Dramatic death of Tom Selleck's mustache.5. "America's Got Talent" runs out of Americans with talent.4. Regis hosts a game show under the dome.3. First Tuesday of each month, FCC will "look the other way."2. Donald Sterling's new talk show (videotape of Sterling and Paula Deen).1. Kathie Lee and Hoda switch to the hard stuff.Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Fine, thanks

From Danny Queen on Facebook:

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy, hotshot lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, the highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. When he saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Senior exercise

From Jim Hoffer of Ringgold, Ga.:

I came across this exercise, suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then 50-pound potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Ein-steins

Two guys are sitting in a bar having drinks when one casually points to two old drunks sitting across the bar and says, "That's us in 10 years."

The other guy says, "That's a mirror, dummy."

Road scholar

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He tells the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and one for the road."

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "Tonight President Obama will make a prime-time speech about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he's done talking about the NFL, he'll talk about ISIS." - Conan O'Brien

• "The NFL is, of course, coming under a lot of fire. Today it came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. Then the NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing." - Conan O'Brien

• "The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as president of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney and changed his title to 'former president of the United States.'" - Conan O'Brien

• "Yesterday New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zephyr Teachout a man or a woman? And the answer is ... probably." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Mike Tyson and [Toronto Mayor] Rob Ford had a meeting. If you'd like to see a transcript of their conversation, just have your cat walk back and forth on your keyboard." - Seth Meyers

• "AMC is coming out with a spinoff of 'The Walking Dead' that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It's called 'The News.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge." - Conan O'Brien

• "President Obama will attend a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. He's trying to project strength, so the White House says he'll be wearing his toughest shade of tan suit." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That's good because if there's one company you want to trust with your money, it's the company that leaked your nude photos." - Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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