Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 reasons why you're still single10 - It's impossible to tell where you end and the couch begins.9 - Few ladies live near your makeshift forest home.8 - Who wants to be "Mrs. DiCaprio" anyway?7 - Too busy writing Top 10 jokes.6 - You buy your clothes at a deli.5 - Mom says no dating until you're 40.4 - At the barbershop you say "Give me the 'Ken Burns.'"3 - OkCupid redirects you to NotOkCupid.2 - "Bald with mustache" is a tough look for women to pull off.1 - Too busy running ISIS.Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

iWant1

Ellen DeGeneres' tweet about the new Apple Watch: "So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we've checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius."

Round one

An avid golfer couldn't help challenging his boastful son to a game of golf. He was in for quite a surprise when, on the first swing, the son got a hole in one.

"OK," said the quick-thinking dad. "Now, I'll take my practice shot and we can start."

How it works

After much nagging from his wife, Jim was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids, and the prices ranged from $10 to $2,000.

"I'll try the $10 pair," Jim said.

The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.

"Does the wire really have to be around my neck?" asked Jim.

"Of course," replied the nurse. "Those things in your ears don't do anything. The wire around your neck makes people talk louder."

Booked up

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every issue they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, then embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

He said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

All questions answered

The son had finally convinced his elderly mother to learn to use a computer.

"I don't know how you've lasted this long without the Internet, but enough is enough. You'll be amazed at everything you can do," he told her.

So she reluctantly sat down at the computer and slowly put on her reading glasses. "What do I do?" she asked.

The son said, "First, we'll open the home page of Google. Here it is. Now, type in ANY question you want over here, and you will get an answer."

The mother looked at him warily for a few seconds, then slowly began to type: "How is Gertrude doing this morning?"

Tough case

Did you hear that someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now, the cops have nothing to go on.

Free drinks

A man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The man answers, "A scotch on the rocks, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be $5."

"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this," the man replies.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The aggravated bartender says to the guy, "OK, you beat me for this one. But don't ever come back here again!"

A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you think you're doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back."

The man says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life."

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double."

To which the man replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "Hillary Clinton's supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, 'I don't know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, 'Call me when you've spent 67 years.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there - one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called Nuns on the Bus kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." - Jimmy Fallon

• "The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook." - Conan O'Brien

• "Mitt Romney, we think is going to run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes, they would. This time he would get his [butt] kicked by a woman." - Bill Maher

• "This week President Obama gave a big speech from the White House where he outlined his plan to 'degrade and ultimately destroy' the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, 'I'll build their website.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he's writing policy memos to President Obama. I think I'll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks." - David Letterman

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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