Ellen PhillipsQ: Our college graduate son moved back home while looking for a job. He found a great position eight months ago but still shows no signs of looking for his own place. My husband and I are getting restless about the situation and don't know what to do. - Fed-up
Dear Mrs. Fed-up: This topic is a first for Consumer Watch (and, frankly, outside my comfort zone) so lots of research ensued before putting today's column together. According to the Associated Press, for the first time on record, the Pew Research Center finds living with one's parents is now the most commonplace arrangement for people ages 18 to 34. That is nearly one-third of millennials, slightly more than those who live with a spouse or partner.
You didn't say if a prior arrangement or contract was agreed upon before Sonny moved back home. I'd venture to say not, per most parental responses, nor should there necessarily be. After all, emergencies happen. Your "kid" may lose his job and need a place to stay for awhile. Young marriages experience turmoil and your "kid" may need her old bedroom to think things through for a few days. They may decide to go to graduate school but can't afford rent and tuition at the same time. The list goes on and on. On the other hand, if your "kid" is simply a sponger or lazy or hiding from what he thinks is a difficult life, parents are in trouble; a sure fire way to cripple a person is to allow reasons to become excuses. Think a moment: if you're warm, comfortable, protected, well-fed and basically, worry-free, would you want to change your situation? The solution is to teach your son how to take care of himself or take away his free ride.
You are actually in better emotional shape than many parents. Your son has a good job so your tough love approach won't throw him into the street. Be upfront and firm. Simply state that you and Dad no longer can provide room and board. Anticipate anger, hostility, recriminations and self-pity - all normal emotions. Expecting someone to take total responsibility for his or her life when this hasn't ever been the case is difficult for all concerned. As a long-time educator, I believe we have an obligation to teach our children to be accountable for their actions. If this means pulling the rug out from under them, then so be it. Enabling certain behaviors becomes a vicious cycle that must be stopped one way or another in order for your son to be successful in life.
Let's hope the issue doesn't come to this, but be prepared to tell Junior he has four to six weeks to find another place to live. Period. If that last day arrives and no new address is in sight, then take a deep breath, wipe your tears away, and place his belongings on the front porch; then lock the door with the new lock you installed that day. Obviously a last-step measure, this may well be one of, if not the, hardest decisions you've ever made. If tough love consequences like this aren't in the picture, you may expect to (and the kid certainly will) financially support our sons/daughters for the rest of their lives.
If you decide to ease Sonny out rather than using the hard-and-fast approach, set up a binding contract with an attorney. Be sure to include the following mandatory rules which, if broken, will result in immediate good-byes:
* You must move out by ______ (specified date).
* You must contribute a minimum of 25 percent of your take-home pay as rent/room and board, as well as paying for all personal expenses.
* You must help with housework. List specific chores, such as his laundry, cleaning his room and taking out the garbage.
* You must abide by the house rules. Be specific about when guests must depart (by 10 p.m., no overnight guests allowed and a midnight curfew.)
* You must deal with your own debts. It's okay to offer guidance but you're already bailing him out by offering temporary sanctuary; do not let him take further advantage of your pocketbook or feelings of guilt.
Contact Ellen Phillips at consumerwatch@timesfreepress.com.