Q: What do you get when you combine LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They start drinking, and the giraffe gets drunk and passes out on the floor. The man pays the bartender and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Hey, man, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
The man says, "It's not a lion; it's a giraffe."
An old woman who has been sick for some time is nearing the end of her life. As her husband sits by her bedside, they begin to reminisce about their life together.
She smiles a weak smile and announces that she has a confession to make.
"What's that, my love?" her husband asks.
"Well," the woman says, "I would like for you to look in the closet over there, at the very top right side, toward the back. You will find a box there. Get that box down, and you will know my secret."
The husband searches through the closet and retrieves the box for his dear wife. She tells him to open the box. Inside are two crocheted doilies, accompanied by a huge wad of money. It looks like thousands of dollars.
The husband thinks she must want to confess that she has been saving up for a nice funeral since there is such a large sum of money.
"Well, this is a surprise," he says. "What would you like to tell me about this?"
She says, "Well, we've been married for 57 years now, and the only secrets I've ever held are the ones in that box. Every time I got mad at you since we've been married, I've crocheted a doily."
Tears spring to the old gentleman's eyes as he views the doilies. There are only two completed doilies, after all.
He tells her that he truly has the most wonderful, patient wife in the world if she has only been mad at him twice in the whole time they've been married.
She looks at him kind of funny, and says, "No, you nitwit! Every time the box got full of doilies, I'd sell them and put the money in the box."
An executive tells his friend: "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine! I have a good mind to send her a memo."
St. Peter halted a man at the entrance to heaven. "You've told too many lies to be permitted in here," he said.
"Have a heart," replied the newcomer. "Remember, you were once a fisherman yourself."
At 85 years of age, Wally marries Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.
All goes well, and Wally heads back to his bedroom.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again, he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but soon Wally is back again, rapping on the door and ready for more action.
And once again they enjoy each other.
As Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with men less than a third of your age who couldn't approach your stamina in bed. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
A guy is writing to the zoo to request a couple of animals.
"Dear Sir," the letter begins, "please send me two mongooses."
Doubting the spelling, he tries again.
"Dear Sir, please send me two mongeese."
Still not sure, he tries again.
"Dear Sir, please send me two mongi."
The word still doesn't look right. So he settles on:
"Dear Sir, please send me a mongoose. On second thought, make it two."
Two sharks meet in the desert. One says to the other, "Long time, no sea."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.