New Year's wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
On New Year's Eve, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he left his van in the parking lot and walked home. As he wobbled along, he was stopped by the police.
"What are you doing out here at 4 o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.
"I'm on my way to a lecture," Roger answered.
"Who on Earth is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" the office inquired sarcastically.
"My wife," said Roger.
You might have a hangover if:
The wife said to her husband, "Honey, my New Year's resolution is to stop telling you what to do all the time.
"So this year," she continued, "I've written down your resolutions for you."
Butt ... butt ...
At a New Year's party, Peter turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," Ken says.
"I'm in the process of quitting," Peter replies with a grin. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"Phase one?" Ken asks.
"Yeah," Peter says, "I've quit buying."
They said it
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." -- Bill Vaughn
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual event with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was and was led to the kitchen to get a drink. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a good half-hour before a strange light dawned on his face.
"You know," he confided to Trevor, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.
"My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."
Resolution: Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.