Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

February 11th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Miracle cure

Leland Parrott reports he was chatting with a cousin recently when the cousin said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" Parrot asked.

"Well," he replied, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get excited in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?"

He explained, "Years ago, when we were both younger, almost every night before we went to bed, she'd get these terrible headaches, and now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

Reality check

What she wants in a man ...

Original list (age 22)

1. Handsome.

2. Charming.

3. Financially successful.

4. A caring listener.

5. Witty.

6. In good shape.

7. Dresses with style.

8. Appreciates finer things.

9. Full of thoughtful surprises.

10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice-looking.

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.

4. Listens more than talks.

5. Laughs at my jokes.

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.

7. Owns at least one tie.

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.

10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly.

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car.

3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally.

4. Nods head when I'm talking.

5. Usually remembers punchlines of jokes.

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.

7. Usually wears a shirt that covers his stomach.

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down.

10. Shaves most weekends.

Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed.

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.

3. Doesn't borrow money too often.

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting.

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times.

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends.

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.

9. Remembers my name on occasion.

10. Shaves some weekends.

Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children.

2. Remembers where bathroom is.

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep.

4. Only snores lightly when asleep.

5. Remembers why he's laughing.

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself.

7. Usually wears some clothes.

8. Likes soft foods.

9. Remembers where he left his teeth.

10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing.

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

His wish

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the waitress approaches and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a cola."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

The waitress returns with the order and says, "That will be $6.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a cola."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine. Then late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

The waitress returns with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress says, "So what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs. "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.