Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

March 18th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

History quiz

Q: How did the Irish jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.

High-flying act

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills.

"I have the most unusual act," he says. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He climbs a tall tower and jumps off. His arms flapping wildly, he slows his fall. Then he soars forward, swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally, he gently lowers himself to the ground.

The ringmaster stares blankly at him for several minutes. Finally, he asks, "Is that all you've got - bird imitations?"

Take a shot

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely upset.

The strongman asked him what he was going to do.

The husband said, "It's a disaster. I don't know. Where am I going to find another woman of her caliber?"

In mourning

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back to his car when he noticed another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?

The mourner took a moment to compose himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

More or less

Three men are at a bar, when one gets completely drunk and starts a fight with the other two. The police come and take the drunk to jail. The next day the man goes before the judge.

The judge asks the man, "Where do you work?"

The man says, "Here and there."

The judge asks, "Well, what do you do for a living?"

The man says, "This and that."

The judge says, "That's enough. Take him away."

The man says, "Wait, Judge, when will I get out?"

The judge says, "Sooner or later."

Just for men

  • Things not to say during childbirth:

  • Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

  • Do you think the baby will come before "Monday Night Football" starts?

  • I hope you're ready. The glamour-shot photographer will be here in 15 minutes.

  • If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

  • That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

  • When you lie on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

  • You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

  • This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from "I Love Lucy."

  • Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

  • Stop your swearing and just breathe.

  • Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! Hee hee hoo hoo. You're not using the right words.

  • Hey, your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.