Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

March 25th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

24 hours

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."

Easy payday

It's early in the day at a gambling casino, and two guys are waiting at a dice table for additional competition when up walks a very attractive, scantily clad woman. She says she wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing my bra."

With that, she strips off her blouse and bra. Now naked from the waist up, she rolls the dice. "Mama needs a new outfit!" she calls out, then begins jumping and down. "Yes! I won! I won!" she cries.

With that, she scoops up her clothes and her winnings and quickly leaves. The men just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other one says, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

Crazy arms

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing. The octopus' owner pockets the $50.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another 50 bucks to the octopus' owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that, I'll give you $100."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner says, "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!"

The octopus says, "Play it? I was trying to figure out how to take off its pajamas."

The lab rabbit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the science laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called, "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory, and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

"Yes," they cried, "come and join us."

The lab rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "you see that field there? It has carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

The rabbit couldn't resist and spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots.

Once he had his fill, he went back to the wild rabbits and asked, "What else do you do?"

One said, "You see that field there? It has lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good to the lab rabbit, and he returned a while later completely full.

"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came closer to him. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there?" he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We mate with them. Go and try it."

So the lab rabbit spent the rest of the morning mating his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he said, panting.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he told them. "I had a great time, but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why?" one asked. "We thought you liked it here."

"I do," he replied. "But I have to get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Laugh Lines is compiled from several sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.