Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

May 27th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Believed, deceived

* "I don't know what Harold Camping had in mind when he predicted the end of the world, but atheists are making up Christian jokes like there's no tomorrow." - Marc Perkel, Gilroy, Calif., founder of the Church of Reality

* "I guess on Sunday when the Rapture people feel really upset, we can't console them by saying, 'Cheer up, it's not the end of the world.' " -

* "Forgot to carry the 1." - No. 9 on David Letterman's Top 10 list of Harold Camping excuses

* "Hold on, God's texting me ... Yeah, it's been postponed." - No. 6 on Letterman's list

Oh, Arnold

From http://political

* "Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." - Jay Leno

* "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their mansion on the market for $23 million. The mansion is nice, but it's not all that clean. They had a maid, but she was always busy doing other stuff." - Jimmy Fallon

* "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It's the first marital separation that will require a mediator, an arbitrator and a translator." - Conan O'Brien

* "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators still are trying to figure out what Arnold cited." - Jimmy Kimmel

* "Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." - Jay Leno

* "Arnold Schwarzenegger's going back to acting, but what kind of movies? 'Conan the Octogenarian'? 'Occasional Recall'? 'Tinkle All the Way'? I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I'm not a teacher in California." - Craig Ferguson


"[An airport] TSA screener is being criticized for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby. You stick it in the tray and run it through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon

More, please

A woman is relaxing at home, having a glass of wine with her husband. Softly, she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She says, "That's me ... talking to the wine."

In other wine news

Leland Parrott says he heard through the grapevine about a new wine for seniors that promises a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.

Vintners in California's Napa Valley, who primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

It will be marketed as Pinot More.

Just like home

A long-haul trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich."

The madam is astonished. "Sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my prettiest girls and a three-course meal."

The trucker says, "No, that's OK. I'm mostly homesick."

Like Mayberry

You know you're from a small town if ...

* You decide to walk someplace for exercise, and five people pull over and offer you a ride.

* Your teachers recall teaching your parents.

* You can charge anything at any local store.

* There's no way not to date some friend's ex.

* You consider minimum wage a good salary.

* The town population increases by a fourth between college semesters.

* You know exactly where to go when you learn "there's a party at the lake."

* The city council meets at the coffee shop.

* You wore your letter jacket after your 19th birthday.

* You don't think twice when you see an old man riding through town on a riding mower.

* Every athlete played on every team, or there was not enough people to make a team.

* You ever attended a party at a pasture, barn or in the middle of a dirt road.

* You ever went cow-tipping or snipe-hunting.

* The whole school goes to the same party after graduation.

Out with a bang

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.