Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

December 13th, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Light of the world

A small boy forgot his lines in the Christmas drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's mind had gone blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear proclaimed, "My Mommy is the light of the world."

On notice

From a church bulletin: Remember the Christmas cleaning of the parish hall this Saturday. We need lots of volunteers to join the work crew. There is a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows will need extra attention.

Hanukkah tree

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, Nathan asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah tree?"

"What? No, of course not," says his father.

"Why not?" Nathan wants to know.

Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush, we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

Spot the fool

Father George was opening his Christmas cards one December morning when out of one came a single sheet of paper with one word written on it: "Fool!"

The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, "I have known many people who have written notes to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a note from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

Sing out has compiled a list of accidentally mangled Christmas lyrics. Called mondegreens, they differ from deliberate parodies, such as "We three kings of Orient are; tried to smoke a rubber cigar." Mondegreens are based on a genuine misunderstanding of lyrics. Here are some examples.

"Away in a Manger"

  • The catalog glowing (The cattle are lowing)

"The Christmas Song"

"Jeff's nut's roasting on an open fire / Check for snipping at your nose / You'll tide carols being sung by the fire / And folks dressed up like Eskimos (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire / Jack Frost nipping at your nose / Yuletide carols being sung by a choir / And folks dressed up like Eskimos)

"Deck the Halls"

  • Deck the halls with Buddy Holly (Deck the halls with boughs of holly)

  • Don we now our day of peril (Don we now our gay apparel)

  • See the blazing Yulbie Forest (see the blazing yule before us)

  • Strike the heart, enjoy the florist (Strike the harp and join the chorus)

"Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"

  • Ho, ho, the mistletoe / Hung where you can see / Somebody waits for you / Is there one for me? (Kiss her once for me)

"Jingle Bells"

  • Bells on cocktail ring / Making spareribs bright / What fun it is to write and sing / A slaying song to knives (Bells on bobtail ring / Making spirits bright / What fun it is to ride and sing / A sleighing song tonight)

"Joy to the World"

  • Joy to the world / The Lord has gum (The Lord has come)

  • Joy to the world / The Savior reigns / Let men their sins enjoy (Let men their songs employ)

"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel"

"O Come, O come, Emmanuel / And ransom captive Israel / That mourns in lonely eggs I'll hear (That mourns in lonely exile here)

"O Come All Ye Faithful"

  • Sing choirs of angels / Sing on eggs all stationed" (Sing in exaltation)

"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"

  • He's making a list / Of chicken and rice (Checkin' it twice)

  • Little toy dolls / That doodoo and poo (cuddle and coo)

"Silent Night"

  • Round John Virgin, margarine child / Holey and lint, sewed tender and mild / Sleep in heavenly peas ('Round yon virgin Mother and Child / Holy Infant, so tender and mild / Sleep in heavenly peace)

  • Christ the Savior is bored (Christ the Savior is born)

"Sleigh Ride"

  • Outside the snow is falling / And friends are calling "You fool" (yoohoo)

"The 12 Days of Christmas"

  • My tulip sent to me (My true love sent to me)

  • Ten lawyers leaving / Nine lazy Hansons (Ten lords a-leaping / nine ladies dancing)

  • Seven warts on women / Six geezers laying (Seven swans a-swimming / Six geese a-laying)

  • And a paltry tin-affair tree (And a partridge in a pear tree)

"We Three Kings"

  • We Three Kings of porridge and tar (of Orient are)

  • King forever, seasoned leather (ceasing never)

"Winter Wonderland"

  • We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman / Until the alligators knock him down (Until the other kiddies knock him down)

Current events

From http://political

  • "Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes, and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficit." -- Jay Leno

  • "General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." -- Jay Leno

  • "The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign." -- Conan O'Brien

  • "Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby's a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving." -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "House Speaker John Boehner's office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner's unsure what they were protesting but says he'll definitely keep doing it." -- Conan O'Brien

  • "A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie." -- Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.