Top 10 things I've learned as a "Late Show" intern:
• 10. Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not.
• 9. Attention to detail is super implortant.
• 8. Buying 100 percent pure-grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds.
• 7. There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business.
• 6. Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive.
• 5. The camera loves me.
• 4. It's more fun to watch television than to work in television.
• 3. Snitches get stitches.
• 2. After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier.
• 1. I should've interned for a Jimmy.
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
A honeymoon couple arrive at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., but the bride is a bit concerned about spending their wedding night there.
"What if the place is still bugged?" she asks her new husband.
The groom says, "If it makes you feel better, I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the telephone, finally proclaiming "Aha!" when he moves the rug.
Under the rug, he finds a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager nervously approaches the newlyweds in the lobby and asks, insistently, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Everything was fine. Why are you asking us all of these questions?"
The manager says, "Well, the couple in the room under you complained that the chandelier fell on them."
A man is walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claims to be the "Magic Elixir of Life."
Of course the police arrest him and run a computer check of him. They find the man has quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.
A traffic officer pulls a car over, and the conversation goes something like this.
Woman: "Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it four times for drinking."
Officer: "I see. Can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer slowly backs away from the car and calls for backup. Within five minutes, five police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Senior officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please."
Woman: "Is there a problem, officer?
Senior officer: "One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"
Senior officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please."
The woman does so, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior officer: "Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers."
The first officer is stunned.
Senior officer: "Ma'am, one of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license."
The woman digs into her handbag, draws out her license and hands it to the officer.
The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.
Senior officer: "I'm sorry, ma'am. My officer claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Betcha the lying jerk told you I was speeding too!"
• Knock knock.
• Knock knock.
• Knock knock.
Omargoodness. Mosquitoes are everywhere.
• "This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 -- or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen." -- Jay Leno
• "San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused of sexual harassment by 14 women, and now there's so many a hotline has been established to take any new sexual harassment claims. The number is 1-800-How Is This Guy Still Mayor?" -- Conan O'Brien
• "In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name Carlos Danger as a joke. Weiner was like 'Come on, what's funnier than the name Carlos Danger?' They were like, 'uh, Anthony Weiner?' " -- Jimmy Fallon
• "The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it's been up there it's sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it's still less than Anthony Weiner sent out." -- Jay Leno
• "Welcome to a very special edition of 'The Tonight Show.' The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, that's why he's here with me tonight. He's talking to me personally." -- Jay Leno
• "Happy birthday to President Obama! He turned 52 (Aug. 4). You can see he is getting a little grayer. In fact, they are starting to • him 'The Silver Fox.' That's because most of the silver in his hair was caused by Fox." -- Jay Leno
• "This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any." -- Conan O'Brien
• "All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries." -- Jay Leno
• "The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn't believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet." -- Jimmy Fallon
• "A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot." -- Conan O'Brien
• "Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative -- fighting marijuana use through reggae." -- Conan O'Brien
n "The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is." -- Jimmy Fallon
• "I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn't have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid." -- Jay Leno
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.