Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

December 19th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Dave Letterman's Top 1

Top 10 hottest toys for the holiday season

10- Face-Lift Barbie

9- Lingering Hug Elmo

8- Dr. Conrad Murray's "Operation"

7- Arby's Dream House

6- Scabble

5- Remote-Controlled Remote Control

4- Scurby: The Furby With Scurvy

3- Inflatable Matt Lauer Prostate

2- My Little Phony Interpreter

1- Toronto Crack Mayor Santa

As it is written

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later, reading:

"Unto Mary, Jesus was born, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide."

Christmas riddles

Q: How does King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

A: Deep and crisp and even.

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

A: Nothing. It was on the house.

Q: Who says, "Oh, oh, oh"?

A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missile-toe.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: Tinsilitis.

Q: How do you know when Santa has visited?

A: You can sense his presents.

Q: How do you know Santa Claus is a man?

A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

Hold that thought

A comedian from Stevenage, England, beat out 2,000 fellow funny people in a national competition to improve the much-maligned Christmas cracker joke (similar to the riddles above). The Advertiser newspaper reports that Richard Woolford, 36, submitted the winning entry about American pop singer Miley Cyrus.

The joke asks: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?" The answer: Twerky.

Woolford said, "It's the tradition to have bad jokes [in Christmas crackers], so mine is a bit of a groaner too."

For his winning joke, Woolford received a cash prize and a set of crackers containing his joke that he planned to share with his family over Christmas dinner.

Hoping they're kidding

Facebook posts:

"I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex-box I'll never know."

"Only six more shopping days 'til Christmas. Or, if you're a guy, only five and a half days until you start your Christmas shopping."

"I'm buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying, 'Toys not included.'"

"Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending $5 on my Christmas card, you could just give me $5.

Experts weigh in

Christmas thoughts from comedians, as seen at

n"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." - Phyllis Diller

"What's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer." - Catherine Tate

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers

"I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did. ... I was in the first-grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby.' ... And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus.'" - Wanda Sykes

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno

"There is nothing more upsetting than buying someone a cashmere scarf and getting a candle. That is what you mean to them - a candle - a social leper. I wrap up the gifts each person gave me the year before with a card that says, 'Same to you.'" - Ruby Wax

Signs of the times

Rick Freeman has been posting Christmas wisdom on his latest signs at Calico Florist and Gifts in Soddy-Daisy.

When one goes out the rest stay lit ...

Biggest lie ever told.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus ...

You get underwear.

Sign of the Times Free Press

A note went up on the newsroom vending machine: Do not buy Pop-Tarts. They get stuck.

Scribbled below a few days later: Try taking smaller bites. They go down easier.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.