Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

June 13th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout


Top 10 other films "too gay for Hollywood"

(as inspired by HBO's "Behind the Candelabra")

10. "Antiquin' in the Rain"

9. "Not Very Butch Cassidy"

8. "12 Sweaty Men"

7. "Jazz Hands Luke"

6. "The Wizard of Abs"

5. "The Good, the Bad and the Fabulous"

4. "There Will Be Blood Orange Sorbet"

3. "Ben-Him"

2. "Guess Who's Coming to Brunch"

1. "Dial M for Madonna Tickets"

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"


"I've lost 8 pounds. I'm almost down to what I tell the DMV I weigh."

One for Mama

Singer/songwriter Jonathan Byrd, who plays Riverbend tonight and the Blue Ridge Community Theater on Saturday (more on Page 7), posted a belated Mother's Day message on his website that bears repeating.

I was on the run from the law once, for about three months. By the end of it, I had rented an apartment, set up utilities, gotten a job and acquired emergency medical services under an invented identity.

The U.S. Navy and the police were looking for me, but they didn't find me. My mother found me.

The FBI should have a Mother Division. And the TSA, too. An experienced mother could stand at security checkpoints and look people over. "That one is up to no good," she would say, and she'd be right. Suspected terrorists would be subjected to The Withering Gaze. "Would you like to tell me something?" she'd say. The ACLU would probably lobby for a return to the more humane practice of waterboarding.

My mother loves Jesus, America and a good steak. Being impolite is just short of a sin for her. In her list of condemnable acts, "fugitive from the law" is up there with "serial rapist" and "war criminal." But she did not turn me in. She just called to make sure that I was safe.

When the Navy gave up and mailed my discharge papers home, she called me again to let me know. She drove four hours to see me play in my heavy-metal band, and I'm sure "heavy-metal guitarist" is pretty close to "fugitive from the law."

I returned penniless to North Carolina. Who knew original progcore was so unprofitable? Mama welcomed me into her home. I got a job and started another band. And another. Then I finally decided to buckle down and pursue a more secure career: solo singer/songwriter. You know, where the real money is.

If (son) Rowan is half the pain in my (posterior) that I was to my mother, I might have to kill him and start over. She's a mountain. She's a saint. She's my mother. Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

Completely lost

A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find a place nearby, eventually coming up on a farm. He knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.

"Sir," says the salesman, "could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."

"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."

"Your ugly daughter?" confirms the salesman.

"That's right," says the farmer.

"Well, dang," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

Short and stupid

Q: What invention made it possible for humans to walk through walls?

A: A door.

Q: Why didn't the portabella fit in the lunch box?

A: Because there wasn't mush room.

Q: What's blue and fluffy?

A: Blue fluff.

Q: Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

A: If you add 4 and 4, you get 8.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?

A: Oinkment.

Q: Why did the foal cough?

A: Because he was a little horse.

Q: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

A: Eclipse it.

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look! I'm changing.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

A: A bah-humbug.

Q: Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

A: It's making headlines.

Q: What does a person with two left feet wear?

A: Flop-flops.

Current events


• "The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." -- Jay Leno

• "President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment." -- Jay Leno

• "IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." -- Jay Leno

• "During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn't want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport." -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he's worried, Holder said, 'Yes. I mean, no.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

• "A new report says that Donald Trump has spent $1 million trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World's Most Expensive 'No.'" -- Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.