Top 10 things you don't want to hear in a movie preview:
10. "In a world where waffles do not exist ... "
9. "From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you 'The Godfather.' "
8. "Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie."
7. "Come see the film Entertainment Weekly calls '97 minutes in length.' "
6. "Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks."
5. "The incredible, true story of a teenager's monkey, seized by German authorities."
4. "Strap yourself in for two hours you'll never get back."
3. "Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires."
2. "Special sneak preview at midnight in my van."
1. "Anthony Weiner in 3-D."
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he called it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked toward the heavens and joyfully proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
This one works better when told instead of read, but you'll get the idea.
A cheetah and a lion are in a race. The cheetah wins. The lion's a sore loser.
"You're a cheetah," he growls.
"You're lion," says the cheetah.
The teacher tells Little Johnny, "Tell the class what book you read."
He says, " 'Black Beauty.' "
She says, "What was it about?"
He says, "About 120 pages."
One student says to the other, "How did you do on the test?"
The second student says, "I thought the questions were easy."
"Yeah, but I had a lot of trouble with the answers."
Q: Why did the Romanian stop reading for the night?
A: To give his Bucharest.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a locomotive with the author of "Tom Sawyer"?
A: A choo choo Twain.
At a cocktail party, one woman says to another, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replies, "Because I married the wrong man."
• Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and passing gas, so I knew I made it home OK.
• The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex tape last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
• I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.
• Bought the missus a coat made out of hamster fur last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
• My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you (jerk)!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
• "Vice President Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, 'No rush.' " - Jimmy Fallon
• "An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently, the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants." - Jimmy Fallon
• "That's right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, 'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here, take it.'" - Jimmy Fallon
• "The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers' Plan B was getting a show on MTV." - Jimmy Fallon
• "Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" - Jay Leno
• "There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." - Jay Leno
• "New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high-fiving everyone they know." - Jimmy Fallon
• "A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news." - Jimmy Fallon
• "Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She's the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, 'Wow. Thank God, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.' " - David Letterman
• "[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for 10 years and you only have one gun?" - Bill Maher
• ... [Dzhokhar Tsarnaev] the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which could explain why he chose, as a getaway vehicle, a boat, that was on land." - Bill Maher
• "After he got away from the big shoot-out, he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival cruise." - Bill Maher
• "Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." - Jay Leno
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.