Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

November 14th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Top 10 things you never knew about the House of Representatives

10)19 representatives have gone on to become president, 10 have gone on to manage a Sizzlers.

9) Members may vote "Yea," "Nay" or "Whatever."

8) When we water the Capitol lawn, we use the hose of representatives.

7) Our cafeteria chef created the original house salad.

6) Every month we're tested for steroids.

5) Steny Hoyer's middle name? Also "Steny."

4) Thanks to corporate sponsorship, majority whip now known as miracle whip.

3) Members tap silverware against water glasses to encourage the house leaders to kiss.

2) We have the power to impeach talk-show hosts.

1) The Tea Party isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.

Tastes funny

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle, talking, when the first mentioned to the second that he had a bellyache. The second cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"

"No," replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."

"Hmmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?"

"I boiled him as usual," replied the first.

The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?"

"No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding and wore a brown robe."

"Aha!"said the second, "There's your problem. You shouldn't have boiled him. That was a friar."

Last request

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor.

As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died.

"You know," he said, "old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

Sweet nothings

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Change is difficult

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

"But my son," the priest replied, "that was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to ask forgiveness for such an act."

"Well, there's a little more to it, Father," said the man. "She repaid me with sexual favors."

The priest was silent for a moment and then spoke. "By doing what you did, you were both in great danger. Two people under such stressful circumstances can be very tempted to give in to the pleasures of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father," said the man. "That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

The hiss pit

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, "What are you doing hissing near our pit? If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs. Potts' pit and hiss."

The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Potts' pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, "Hey, you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!"

The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, "What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Potts' house to hiss."

One answered, "Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss."

The mother snake said, "Well, I never! I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known