Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

November 21st, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Top 10 signs you have bad health insurance

10. Application asks if you have a cute sister.

9. Two coverage options: above the waist or below the waist.

8. Every one of their approved doctors is incarcerated.

7. Your agent works out of a Chipotle Mexican Grill.

6. You ask, "How much is the deductible?" The answer, "How much you got?"

5. Entire operation is a guy named Cal and his cousin Junebug.

4. You share a plan with your cats.

3. You're reimbursed in camel cash.

2. Company's TV spokesman: Dr. Conrad Murray.

1. Your prostate exam must be televised.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Especially you

A man and a woman are on a blind date.

He says to her, "You know, you're really nice-looking, and you seem like a nice girl. How come you're still single?"

She shrugs her shoulders and says, "I suppose my standards are too high."

"Really?" he asks.

"Well," she replies, "take the guys in this bar for example. I wouldn't go home with him. I wouldn't go home with him. I wouldn't go home with him."

He looks shocked.

She says, "What's wrong? Surprised by my honesty?"

He says, "Well, that, and the fact that you pointed at me twice."

Take a spin

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."

Desert air

When their car broke down in the desert, John, Paul and Tim decided to go their separate ways.

John took the radiator out of the car so he would have some water for the way.

Paul took the mats from the car so he could shield himself from the sun a bit.

Tim removed one of the doors and started to walk away.

"Wait a minute," said John. "Why are you taking the door with you?"

"In case I need some air," said Tim. "I can roll down the window."

What a cutie

Julie's grandmother was taking the toddler for a walk when her neighbor came over and peeked into the stroller.

"Wow, is she ever cute," gushed the neighbor.

"This is nothing," said Grandma with a wave of her hand. "You should see the pictures of her."

Good times

John and Marie went to the same church.

Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie, and he noticed what a fine-looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Why, Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck.

All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town.

When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. Just then, Marie woke up and smiled at him.

"Marie, I've got to ask you one thing," said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Current events


-- "It seems like everyone's still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said 'But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again.'" - Jimmy Fallon

-- "It turns out that a lot of children could lose their dental insurance under Obamacare. So kids might not be able to go to the dentist. Parents were really upset, while kids said, 'Four more years! Four more years!'" - Jimmy Fallon

-- "In a new interview today, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie. Afterward, Christie told Palin, 'Thanks, I owe you one.'" - Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.