Top 10 signs you're a lame spy
10. You fear heights, loud noises, air travel and enclosed spaces.
9. You insist on wearing a cape.
8. By day, you work at a hardware store; by night, you work another shift at the hardware store.
7. Everyone knows you can't swim.
6. Your only gadget: cuff links that shoot smaller cuff links.
5. Email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
4. 10 p.m., enter foreign country; 10:05 p.m., executed for eswpionage.
3. Insist on being paid in hugs.
2. Ex-girlfriends call you "003 1/2."
1. Only have a learner's-permit-to-kill.
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide to go trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks.
Van Damme grabs the first costume he sees and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven."
Seagal settles on another and says, "I'll be Mozart."
Schwarzenegger looks until he finds just the right one. He picks it up and says, "I'll be Bach."
A drunk guy is trying to pick up a girl at a party. Realizing he's too intoxicated to drive, she takes him home and puts him to bed. Just for fun, she slips a blowup doll under the sheets with him and leaves.
The next day, a buddy asks the guy how his date went.
He says, "I don't remember a lot, but I think she was a witch. This morning, I started nibbling on her neck, and she hissed and flew away."
Crack of the bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
* A woman shows up at a Halloween party with a sheet over her head.
The host says, "Are you a ghost?"
The woman says, "No, I'm an unmade bed."
* A guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
The host answers the door and says, "What are you supposed to be?"
The guy says, "A turtle."
The host says, "What do you mean?"
The guy points to his back and says, "This is Michelle."
* A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down and orders dirty rum.
Curious, the bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on my head."
A photographer goes to a haunted house determined to get a picture of a ghost. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer dashes to his studio and develops the film but discovers that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: With her witch watch.
Q: Why did the witches lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school?
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
Q: What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
A: Bone-bones in a heart-shaped box.
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.
Q: What's the tallest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.
Q: What's a vampire's favorite ice cream?
Q: What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine.
Q: What is Dracula's favorite circus act?
A: He always goes for the juggler.
Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: Because they have bat breath.
Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.
Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: A hobblin' goblin.
Q: What kind of shoes does a ghost wear?
Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A: It raises their spirits.
Q: Which ghost is the best dancer?
A: The boogie man.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
A: Buckle their sheet belts.
Q: What kind of cars do ghosts drive?
Q: What music do ghosts like best?
A: Haunting melodies.
Q: What kind of streets do zombies like best?
A: Dead ends.
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope that it's Halloween.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What do Italians eat on Halloween?
A: Fettuccine Afraid-o.
Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.
Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine?
A: A wash-and-wear wolf.
Q: Why did the monster's mother knit him three socks?
A: She heard he grew another foot.
Q: What does a monster wear when it rains?
Q: What does a monster do when his throat is sore?
Q: Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends?
A: They're too wrapped up in themselves.
OVERSET FOLLOWS:Q: What has eight legs and eight eyes?
A: Eight pirates.
Q: Did you hear about the pirate who got his ears pierced?
A: Cost a buccaneer.
Q: What does a pirate look for in a woman?
A: A big chest and plenty of booty.
Q: Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C.
Q: What does a dyslexic pirate say?
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: They just arrrrr.
And thanks to Thom Benson for this one:
Q: What happened to the pirate ship that ran aground in shark-infested waters?
A: It came back to port with a skeleton crew.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.