10 "How long will they keep my pockets hot?"
9 "Wasn't he center fielder for the Twins?"
8 "When will Iran have enriched Hot Pockets?"
7 "Can they make the microwaveable sleeve taste better?"
6 "May I have a Hot Pocket to go with my green apple?"
5"How can a compassionate God allow these to exist?"
4 "Can I have the recalled Hot Pockets?"
3 "How do they compare to Apple's iPocket?"
2 "Are you going to finish that?"
1 "What if I accidentally swallow it?"
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
There are five cows on a farm, a mama cow and her four calves.
The first calf walks up and asks, "Mama, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Mama, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Mama, why is my name Daisy?"
The mama cow again replies, "Well, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The mama cow says, "Hush up, now, Cinderblock."
Ed is in a bar when he sees his friend, Rick, at a table, drinking by himself. Ed goes up and says, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
Rick says, "My mother died in August and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," Ed replies.
"Then in September," Rick continues, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," says Rick, "absolutely nothing."
Forever and ever
Two men are talking, and one says to the other, "My wife's doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?"
The other replies, "Let me put it this way: Menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate."
The doctor walks into the examining room, the patient's file at the ready, and says, "So, tell me everything you told the nurse five minutes ago."
Not so funny
Little Danny comes in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asks, "What's the matter?"
"Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he says through his tears.
"That's not so serious," his mother says, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
The kid says, "I did!"
Time to specialize
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"That's nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year."
Do the math
A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?"
Randy responds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."
Pardon the pun
Leland Parrott reports:
I saw some strange goings-on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers. They were chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group.
It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
Hymns for her
One Sunday, a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Doctor on call?
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter up to stand next to her. "Good. Are any of you single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.