Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

June 19th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Groove prints in the sand

An uncredited two-panel comic strip on the Calling Glory band's Facebook page offers a new ending for Mary Stevenson's "Footprints in the Sand" poem. That's the one in which she tells of a dream of walking along the beach with the Lord and seeing only one set of footprints in the sand during her lowest times, leading her to believe that God had abandoned her when she needed him most.

The first panel recalls the familiar ending, in which the Lord offers this reassurance: "My child, I never left you. Those places with one set of footprints? It was then that I carried you."

In the second panel, he adds: "That long groove over there is when I dragged you for a while."

School of hard knocks

A repairman in an upscale hotel was called to check on the television in a guest room. When he arrived, a married couple were watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. The repairman, knowing that all the spare sets were in use, figured what the heck and struck the side of the TV with his hand. The picture returned to full size.

"Look, honey," the wife said to her husband, "he went to the same repair school as you."

On the job

The first to arrive at the high-tech company one morning answered an early telephone call. The caller asked for field engineering. The company man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

"I'm the president," the man replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

Time to reconsider

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."

Current events


"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" - David Letterman

"While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, 'That's all?'" - David Letterman

"The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, 'Is that position still available?'" - Seth Meyers

"President Obama's daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he's used to people ignoring him." - Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head." - Jimmy Fallon

"This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals." - Seth Meyers

"President Obama had lunch with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, 'After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office.' And the president said, 'I know. I listened in.'" - Craig Ferguson

"Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state. Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit." - Conan O'Brien

"In an interview she said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom." - Conan O'Brien

"This week Hillary Clinton launches the tour for her new book. When he heard, Bill Clinton said, 'I'm so proud of her, and what day exactly is she leaving?'" - Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, 'We've been expecting you.'" - Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.