Chattanooga Now PunchLines

Chattanooga Now PunchLines

May 8th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Life lessons from Mom

Mothers teach you ...

Logic: "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

Medicine: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

To think ahead: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

To meet a challenge: "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

Humor: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

How to become an adult: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

About marriage: "How do you think you got here?"

Genetics: "You are just like your father!"

Roots: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

The wisdom of age: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

Anticipation: "Just wait until your father gets home."

Receiving: "You are going to get it when we get home."

Justice: "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Mute on the subject

Things your mom would never say to you:

How on Earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Let me smell that shirt. Don't worry. It's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

That outfit isn't sexy enough. Here, unbutton your blouse.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Can I borrow your new heavy-metal CDs?

Naw, you don't have to call me. I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Quick quiz

Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

A: Because their kids have to play inside.

Big news

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, there's going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was beaming with happiness as he kissed her.

She said, "I'm glad that you feel this way. Tomorrow morning, my mother is moving in with us."

Drawn to it

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother."

Tooth fairy

After losing another tooth, little Timmy became more curious about the mysterious ritual with the tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, "Mom, are you the tooth fairy?"

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, "Yes, Timmy, I am."

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.

But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look and said, "Wait a minute, Mom. How do you get into the other kids' houses?"

Prebirth class

Several couples had gathered for a prebirth class aimed at families who already had at least one child.

Someone asked how to best break the news about the new arrival to the older sibling.

"Some parents," the instructor responded, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

No 'p' in this 'ool'

Her young son had spent a couple of hours playing at the pool, and when she arrived to pick him up, the lifeguard met her with a warning. "You need to tell him it's not appropriate to urinate in the pool, or he will not be welcome back."

The mother took offense and began lecturing the lifeguard. "Everyone knows that from time to time, all children will urinate in the pool."

"Yes, of course," the lifeguard agreed. "But not all of them do it from the diving board."

Parents' dictionary

Dumbwaiter: Server who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Showoff: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission and websites. Origins are included when known.