› A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the guardian of the Samsung Galaxy? — James Corden
› The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso. — James Corden
› It’s going to make it very hard for him on future dates. It’s going to be like, “So how did your last relationship end”? And he will be like, “On an episode of ‘Judge Judy.’” — James Corden
› A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. — Seth Meyers
› Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Centers for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop snuggling with their birds. Though if you’re snuggling with chickens, salmonella is, like, your fifth biggest problem. — Seth Meyers
Two Yankee boys driving through the South are stopped by a state trooper. The trooper walks up to the open driver's window, reaches in and slaps the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asks.
"I don't know how y'all do it up North, but here in Alabama, you have your driver's license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper takes the license when it's offered, walks back to his car and then returns the license to the driver. He then walks around to the passenger side of the car and taps on the window. When the passenger rolls the window down, the trooper reaches in and slaps the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asks the startled passenger.
"Well," responds the trooper, "I didn't want you to be disappointed.
"You'll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck had tried that with me!'"
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived late to his Sunday School class. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy said no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
The boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
The guy with the blade
A man walks into a barbershop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a beautiful, shapely woman wearing a low-cut blouse kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."
"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's shoe and spit in it.
When the soldier returned with the Coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the soldier obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.
The soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
"This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Oh just a beer."
The bartender asks," What's wrong? Why are you so down today?"
The man says, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."
The bartender says, "I'm sure it'll blow over."
The man says, "You don't understand. The month's up tonight."
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the dang ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
Burglar knows best
A man goes to the police station asking to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," says the desk sergeant.
"No, no no!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Mort is at the doctor's office getting a checkup.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
What's the bad news?
The doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.