Around the White House
› Over the weekend, President Trump retweeted a GIF of himself knocking Hillary Clinton down with a golf ball. In response, Hillary retweeted a GIF where she beat Trump by 3 million votes. — Conan O’Brien
› The United Nations has gathered this week, and all of the world leaders are there for the General Assembly. This morning, Donald Trump went to the U.N. headquarters to give a speech — or, as Trump calls it, an “in-person tweet talk.” — James Corden
› Trump’s speech was kind of colorful, especially when he addressed the assembled countries as “future Trump hotel locations.” — James Corden
› Today in New York, President Trump spoke before the United Nations General Assembly. There was an awkward moment when Trump looked into the audience and said, “Wait, how did you people get into this country?” — Conan O’Brien
› President Trump gave his big speech at the U.N. General Assembly today. And at one point, he threatened to “totally destroy North Korea.” He said he has a good plan to do it, too — he’s gonna run for president of North Korea. — Jimmy Fallon
› Trump’s speech actually got off to a nice start, though. He began by welcoming all the world leaders to New York City. And when he finished his speech, he said, “Now go home.” — Jimmy Fallon
› Our President Donald Trump spoke to representatives at the U.N. General Assembly. The president was a bit disappointed. Usually when Trump meets representatives from different countries, there’s a swimsuit competition and they wear sashes. — Jimmy Kimmel
› While at the U.N., President Trump also called the Iran nuclear deal an “embarrassment.” Then Trump said, “Gotta go — I have to post a tweet of me hitting a woman with a golf ball.” — Conan O’Brien
› During Melania Trump’s U.N. speech today, she spoke out against bullying. And then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal. — Seth Meyers
› Donald Trump Jr. has decided to give up his Secret Service protection in order to have more privacy. He said it got annoying having Secret Service guys always standing around, listening in and making it almost impossible for him to call Russia to receive further instructions. — James Corden
› President Trump is using his 2020 campaign fund to pay his legal fees, which experts say is “wrong but not illegal.” Coincidentally, “Wrong But Not Illegal” is also Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan. — Conan O’Brien
Ned left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his buddies and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Late-night host James Corden's Emmy review:
"Last night here in Los Angeles was the prime-time Emmy Awards. The big winners last night were Donald Glover, Hulu and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer won Best Actor in a Comedy for his role in Donald Trump's administration.
"I'm kidding, of course! But Sean Spicer actually did make a cameo at last night's ceremony, and, according to some reports, at the after-party, Spicer was the most popular guy in the room. And I just want to say, I think people are forgetting that this man lied to the American people and should not be embraced. These Hollywood phonies kissing up to Sean Spicer are disgusting. I mean who did this, who are we talking about here? [shows photo of himself kissing Spicer]
"Now I know you think that is a picture of me kissing Sean Spicer. But in the spirit of Sean Spicer: No, it isn't.
"Anyone ever have that feeling when you get a little drunk and then wake up the next morning and think, 'Oh God, who did I kiss last night?' It's a bit like that. Understandably, some people have been disappointed by this photo. In truth I'm disappointed by it as well. I have been reading a lot of harsh comments on Twitter today, and I hear you loud and clear, truly I do. So much so I'm really starting to regret that Carpool Karaoke that we've taped with Steve Bannon. Feels like a mistake today."
* In Palm Springs, Calif., a Starbucks barista saved a customer's life by giving him CPR. Isn't that incredible? Apparently the customer had a heart attack when the barista spelled his name right. — Conan O'Brien
* Pope Francis said that in his early 40s he attended weekly appointments with a Jewish therapist. The Pope went to a Jewish therapist. The Pope said he went to a Jewish therapist so he could better understand his boss. — Conan O'Brien
* Professional children's clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie, "It," makes them look like murderers. That's true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children's clowns. — Conan O'Brien
* A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, "Eww! He's TOUCHING the handrail!" — Jimmy Fallon
* Delta Airlines just paid a woman $4,000 to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she'll do with the money the woman said, "Buy Spirit Airlines." — Jimmy Fallon
* I read about a brother and sister in Michigan who reunited after 50 years apart. Unfortunately, it was on Tinder. — Jimmy Fallon
* Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. However, Weiner insisted he's still going to keep his [private parts] public. — Conan O'Brien
* I read that Prince Charles may not live in Buckingham Palace when he becomes king. Then Queen Elizabeth said, "When he becomes king? I love your optimism, Chuckie." — Jimmy Fallon
* Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money." — Jimmy Fallon
* Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1,000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, "It's the last phone you'll ever need for the next eight months." — Conan O'Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.