Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

February 7th, 2018 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

How long?

When a woman at work became engaged, a male colleague offered her some advice: "The first 10 years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" she asked.

"Ten years," he replied.

 

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» Big news in baseball. After numerous complaints from Native Americans, the Cleveland Indians have decided they're going to get rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo in 2019. They said, "We realize our mascot is really offensive and racially insensitive, so we're going to wait a year and then get rid of it." — Conan O'Brien

Lisa Denton

Lisa Denton

Photo by Contributed Photo /Times Free Press.

» The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use Chief Wahoo as their logo beginning in 2019. They admitted that the logo is extremely offensive, so they're only gonna wear it for 162 more games. — Jimmy Fallon

» In other news, former Trump staffer and one-time "Apprentice" contestant Omarosa took a new gig this week. It was announced she will be joining the cast of "Celebrity Big Brother." From Trump's White House to CBS's "Big Brother" house — by any standard that's a promotion. — James Corden

» Omarosa is going to be a cast member on "Celebrity Big Brother." She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama. — Jimmy Fallon

» Today Amazon announced it's creating its own health-care company. That's kind of awkward getting health care from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says, "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob." — Jimmy Fallon

» On Thursday, KFC announced that Colonel Sanders will now be played by Reba McEntire. People have not been this shocked since 2007, when I took over for the Wendy's girl. Remember that? The stock went down 95 percent. — Conan O'Brien

» I saw that 83-year-old Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch was at the Grammys last night. Midway through, he turned to the person next to him and said, "This is the craziest State of the Union I've ever been to." — Jimmy Fallon

» Yesterday after the Grammys, Jay-Z got into a Twitter feud with President Trump. Jay-Z and President Trump in a Twitter feud. It turns out the most powerful man in the world doesn't like President Trump. — Conan O'Brien

» It was a pretty political show last night. A lot of artists called out Trump's immigration policy, including Camila Cabello, U2 and the rapper Logic. Not the first time Trump and logic have been at odds. — Stephen Colbert

» But all the politics in last night's show upset UN Ambassador Nikki Haley. She tweeted, "I have always loved the Grammys, but to have artists read the 'Fire and Fury' book killed it. Don't ruin great music with trash. Some of us love music without the politics thrown in it." She just wants to take us back to when music was less political. You know, John Lennon, Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, N.W.A. ... N.W.A. — I loved their song "No Comment on Tha Police." — Stephen Colbert

» I'm sure you all know the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and President Trump has decided he won't be taking part in a decade-old tradition of sitting down to do an interview before the big game. Which is fine with me. I can't stand those casual football fans who only watch the Super Bowl for the presidential interviews. — James Corden

» We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we're just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob. — Jimmy Fallon

» Everyone's excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub, there's a Super Bowl ticket listed at over $66,000. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, "$10 for a beer? That's crazy. Come on, man." — Jimmy Fallon

» Over on the Animal Planet, they're holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year it will feature Team Ruff vs. Team Fluff. And if you're curious which team is better, please visit www.gamblersanonymous.org. — Jimmy Fallon

» Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer. — Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Late Night Laughs

State of the Union

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. — Jimmy Kimmel

I heard that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be at the State of the Union, because of a previous commitment. When asked what she had to do, she said, “Oh, I just don’t want to be there.” — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his State of the Union address, and as per tradition, someone who opposes the president gave the rebuttal. So, this year’s rebuttal was given by Melania. — Conan O’Brien

Trump said he now supports a plan for young immigrants to become citizens. When asked why, Trump said, “Because I may have to look for a new wife soon.” — Conan O’Brien

But experts said it was a very historic State of the Union. You know, because it marked the first time since taking office that Trump went a full hour without tweeting. — Jimmy Fallon

In his speech last night, President Trump said, let us “set aside our differences and seek common ground.” Trump said this because like any good speaker, he always opens with a joke. — Conan O’Brien

Here’s one unusual thing we found out right before the speech – the first lady traveled to the speech in a separate car. I guess Melania didn’t want anything from the Burger King drive-through. — Stephen Colbert

Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the “Uniom.” Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, “How do you mess that up?” — Jimmy Fallon

After Trump’s speech, Massachusetts Congressman Joe Kennedy became one of the youngest people to give the Democratic response. And you could tell he was young when all he said was, “He cray.” — Jimmy Fallon

After Trump’s address, the Democratic rebuttal was given by Congressman Joe Kennedy. And this is how out of touch they are in the Democratic Party. They are like, “People are tired of the same old politicians. We need to give them someone new. Here’s a Kennedy.” — James Corden

Kennedy gave his speech live from a high school shop class with a Mustang behind him with the hood open, because nothing says you are going to get this economy rolling like the visual of a broken-down car. — James Corden

Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania. — Jimmy Fallon

Source: www.newsmax.com

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