SoakYa is great for families, but not for this reporter

Red-headed and pale is not usually a recipe for a good time under the summer sun, but after living less than an hour from Lake Winnepesaukah for over a decade, I decided now was as good a time as any to give it a shot.

Specifically, its much-touted SoakYa water park, even though I've never been much of a water park guy. After swimming competitively for the better part of a decade in my youth, I've had just about enough water for one lifetime.

Chatter's team thought it would be a great trip for my family, including my adorable 2-year-old niece who absolutely loves bathtime and playing in the sprinkler on the lawn. However, with my sister working Saturday, my dad out of the state and my mom watching my niece, no one except my younger brother could go. I wasn't exactly thrilled to give up a Saturday, but it gave me an opportunity to spend some time with my brother. I hadn't seen him in months. So I put on my best happy face, accidentally left my sunscreen at home and headed out.

I have to admit: The slides were pretty cool. But our day started with adventures of an altogether different nature.

When my brother and I arrived at the gate, we were directed away from the parking lot, to a back road around the park. We immediately left pavement and traveled on dirt and grass for the better part of a mile, unsure of our destination as the trappings of society gave way to North Georgia wilderness. Unfortunately, a car behind us prevented us from turning around. We eventually found an open space with parked cars, so we parked and got out, but were again struck with confusion. We were staring at the back of the water park; specifically, the drainage pond and shed for the cleaning chemicals. The family behind us, a young couple, their children and a grandmother, were just as bamboozled as we were, but followed my brother and me as we approached a lifeguard past the rope fence.

Apparently we had been directed to the employee parking lot, and the lifeguard was equally confused as to why we were there. I felt my blood exceed the temperature outside as I overheard her co-worker callously suggest that she "let" us walk the mile back to the main entrance in the near-90-degree sweltering heat, but the lifeguard ultimately fetched her manager, who then fetched a security guard to walk us through the park to a ticket booth to pay.

The water park tickets were bundled into a ticket for the amusement park, too. The combined $35 entry does include unlimited rides throughout both parks, and it was only a few more dollars than the regular park fee of $27, so my brother and I paid up. After getting our hands stamped, renting a locker and picking up some sunscreen in a gift shop, we were finally ready to attack the day.

Attack is a strong word for what we did, though. It was really more of a slow drudge considering the lines for the water slides. I can't be too upset; it was a Saturday in August with only a month or so before the water park closed. But that didn't make the time spent standing in line after line pass any quicker. I would've gladly paid a little extra for a FastPass.

With one slide out of order, everyone flocked to the other four slides in the water park. We chose one at random. Twenty minutes into our wait, the call of nature sounded in what can only be described as a tragic example of Murphy's law.

An hour and 15 minutes after arriving, I still hadn't actually touched any water.

The Foley brothers pause for a photo at SoakYa.

After a lap or two on the river, we decided to try another slide. We'd come to accept the lines as an inevitability, and we occupied our time spent waiting by catching up on each other's lives. I relished the time I got to spend with him again.

Given the very young demographics of the park, I'd pre-judged the slides as tame, but they proved me wrong. My brother and I plopped onto our toboggan-like mats wholly unprepared. As the steep drop nearly sent me careening overboard, I couldn't help but close my eyes and laugh. Our adrenaline rush in full force, we headed back to the slide whose line I had been forced to abandon earlier in the day: the Zoom Flume.

The weight limit for the two-person raft was 350 pounds, which I'm sure we exceeded by a good 20 pounds, but I would not be deterred again. Thankfully the lifeguards didn't stop us from getting in together - though I quickly learned the weight limit was in place for good reason. We rocketed down the slide like a physics experiment on mass times velocity. Every turn sent us easily halfway up the wall of the enclosed chute, putting us perpendicular to the ground when parallel would have been just fine, thank you very much. It felt like we were millimeters from spilling out in an accident that would assuredly make local news. We were scared, but it was a good scared, like an amazing roller-coaster or haunted house.

By the end of our four-hour visit, I'd taken a few laps around the Crazy River and gone down two slides two times apiece. I can't say it was particularly worth it, although if we'd also brought clothes for the amusement park, it might have been better. It sure seemed to be worth it for the gaggle of children and young families around us.

Given that a partner and children aren't in my future any time soon, I'll pass on SoakYa from now on, but if that description fits you, give it a shot. If your kids are like the hundreds of others we saw at the park, I'm sure they'll have a blast, and it might just awaken your inner-child, too.