Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

April 22nd, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

As told by pastor Joel Osteen.

Head hog

I heard about this man. He called the church office and said, "I want to speak to the head hog at the trough."

The secretary was offended. She said, "If you mean the pastor, you need to call him the pastor. You may not call him the head hog at the trough."

He said, "That's fine, but I was thinking about making a $10,000 donation to your church."

She said, "Hold on - Porky just walked in."

* * * * *

Oh, it's you

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack on the operating table. She asked God if that was it. He said, "No, you have 40 more years."

Upon recovery, she stayed in the hospital and had a major facelift, tummy tuck, liposuction, an extreme makeover.

Two months later, as she was leaving the hospital, she got hit by a car and killed. She got to heaven and said, "God, I thought you said I had 40 more years."

God said, "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you."

* * * * *

Wish granted

A husband and wife were celebrating their 60th birthdays together. All of a sudden an angel appeared and said God was going to grant each of them one special request.

The wife said, "My request was that we would be able to travel all over the world."

Poof! When the smoke cleared, she was sitting there with tickets in her hand.

The husband hung his head. "My request was that I'd be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

Poof! When the smoke cleared he was 90 years old.

* * * * *

OK, Padre

Two guys argued for years over whether Jesus was white or whether he was black. Archie was sure he was white, and Jack was just as sure he was black.

As fate would have it, they both died on the same day. They rushed to the pearly gates and said, "St. Peter, please tell us. Is Jesus white or black."

About that time, Jesus walked up and said, "Buenos dios."

* * * * *

Conversion

A man was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while all his neighbors were eating cold fish, he would grill a steak in the backyard.

The neighbors couldn't stand the temptation. They decided to convert him to Catholicism. He finally agreed.

The priest sprinkled water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now you're a Catholic."

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent, came the same smell of steak. They rushed to his house, where he was sprinkling water over his steak and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you are a fish."

* * * * *

Ace in the hole

A pastor skipped church one Sunday morning to play golf. He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well and drove to another city where no one would know him.

He teed off on the first hole, and suddenly the wind picked up his ball and carried it an extra 100 yards and blew it right into the hole for a 420-yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said, "Why did you do that?"

God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?"

* * * * *

More practice

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap. She noticed how wrinkled his face was. As she contemplated the difference between hers and his, she said, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

He laughed and said, "Yes, honey, God made me a long time ago."

She said, "Well, did God make me?"

He said, "Yes, God made you just a little while ago."

She thought about it and said, "Granddaddy, God's getting better, isn't he?"

* * * * *

Hallelujah chorus

A pastor told his congregation one Sunday, "If anybody will give $1,000, you can pick out the next three hymns. "

A little old lady in the back raised up her hand and said, "Pastor, I'll do it."

He said, "Thank you so much. Go ahead and pick out the next three hymns."

She looked out over the congregation and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

* * * * *

Rear view

A lady was shopping with her husband, and he'd asked her to not buy any new clothes. She found a dress she liked so much she bought it in secret.

A couple of days later, the husband discovered it, and he was so upset. She told him that when she tried it on, it looked so good Satan tempted her to buy it, and she just couldn't resist it.

He said, "Why didn't you do what the Scripture says and say, 'Get behind me Satan.' "

She said, "I did, and he told me it looked even better from a distance."

* * * * *

Just another in-law

A lightning bolt hit in the middle of a church service. When the smoke cleared Satan himself was standing behind the podium. People panicked and ran out of the building. Satan stood there with glee.

His mood changed when he noticed a woman sitting on the front row just as calm as could be.

He said, "Lady, do you know who I am?"

She said, "I sure do."

He said, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

She said, "No, I'm not."

He said, "Why not?"

She said, "Why should I be? For 30 years I've been married to your brother."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.