If you see a fat man
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then let's face it ...
Your eggnog's too strong.
Birth of a tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about it, a friend of his said, "Well, you spent a lot of money, but for that price, you could have bought her that sporty four-wheel-drive vehicle she wanted."
The guy, "Yeah, but where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Last Christmas, an old man found it difficult to go shopping, so he decided that instead of presents he would send checks to his family and friends. So in each card he mailed out, he wrote "Please purchase gift of your choice."
After the holiday, he realized that he had received no thank-you notes. Puzzled over this, he decided he should write a couple of his relatives to ask what had happened. As he searched about his cluttered desk, he got his answer. There with his address book were the checks he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young woman about 25 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him.
So he asked, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please," she replied sweetly.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you," Santa said. "What would you like me to bring her?"
The woman answered, "A millionaire son-in-law."
Pay the ransom
It was coming up on Christmas, and Sammy asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sammy, having just played a vital role in the church Nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus.
Sammy went to his room and wrote, "Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas."
When he read it over, though, he thought maybe he hadn't been exactly honest. So he tried again. This time he wrote: "Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas."
He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version: "Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike."
That one was closer to the truth, but he still wasn't satisfied. He decided to go for a walk while he thought about a better approach.
A few blocks over, he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed.
Then he wrote this letter. "Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike."
You know it's time to leave the Christmas party when:
* You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
* You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
* You see your underwear is hanging from the chandelier.
* You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
* You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
* You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.