Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

June 24th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Overheard

A Times Free Press newsroom staffer hearing the news of Rep. Anthony Weiner's resignation: "He's suffering from electile dysfunction."

And John W. Coniglio wonders, "Will the departing congressman be debriefed before committee during his exit?"

What'd that sign say?

In an office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a laundry: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in window of health-food shop: Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

On a repair-shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

Spaced out

The trainer came up to a boxer and asked, "Are you ready for another fight?"

The boxer said, "Just a bout."

Riddle

Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a skunk?

A: A fowl smell.

Clueless captain

A cruise ship passes a small deserted island. Everyone watches as a man with a ratty-looking beard runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.

"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year when we sail past, he goes nuts."

Dogs for him

Top 10 reasons why a dog is better than a woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

Dogs for her

Top 10 reasons why a dog is better than a man:

10. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

9. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

8. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

7. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

6. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

5. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch, and they never laugh at how you throw.

4. You can train a dog.

3. Dogs are easy to buy for.

2. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

1. Dogs understand what "no" means.

And another ...

A guy is walking past an insane asylum when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he finds a hole in the wall and looks in. Immediately he's poked in the eye. Inside, everyone starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Guinness the menace

Yelp.com says this is a true story:

Brendan Behan, the Irish poet laureate, was asked to write a new slogan for Guinness. They said they'd pay him a bundle, so he reluctantly agreed.

"There's one stipulation, though," Behan told the Guinness marketing guys. "I'll need a case of your product to sample. Can't write properly if I'm not inspired."

"No problem at all," they assured him.

The following morning, up rolls a huge black Guinness truck. A guy in a spiffy uniform gets out, grabs a case and hands it to the waiting Behan.

"When will you have the slogan?" the fellow asks.

"Can't rush genius, m'boy," Behan grunts, and closes the door.

Four days pass. No word from Behan. The Guinness VP of marketing calls him. No answer. Now worried, they send a couple of guys out to his house to check on him.

They find the door open. Inside, the house is trashed. There are empty bottles everywhere. They venture farther in and find Behan passed out in his den, asleep in a pool of Guinness. One guys turns away and suddenly calls out.

"Look!" he gasps.

On the opposite wall of the den, written in paint are these words:

"Here's yer slogan:

"Guinness - It Gets You Drunk."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.