Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

May 6th, 2011 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

LIFE LESSONS

Things mothers teach us:

* Anticipation: "Just wait until your father gets home."

* Meeting a challenge: "Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

* Safety: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

* To appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

* Religion: "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

* Time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

* Logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

* Foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

* Irony: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

* Osmosis: "Shut your mouth, and eat your supper."

* Contortionism: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

* Stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

* Hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

* The circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Things Mom would never say

* How on Earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.

* Let me smell that shirt - yeah, it's good for another week.

* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

* I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve.

* Don't bother wearing a jacket - it's not that chilly out.

Remember

* Keep your chin up; only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

* By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

These are said to be answers from second-graders.

Why did God make mothers?

* She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.

* Mostly to clean the house.

* To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

* He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

* Magic plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.

* God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

* My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

* I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

* They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?

* His last name.

* She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

* My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

* She got too old to do anything else with him.

* My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

* Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goofball.

* Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

* I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

* Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.

* Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

* Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

* Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

* Mothers don't do spare time.

* To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

* On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

* Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

* She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

* I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

* I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.