Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

November 1st, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

All-in-one

A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mitt?"

One more round

It's said that President Obama spends so much time playing golf, he needs to win the second term in office to finish the first one.

Let's recap

A look back at the election season, through the eyes of the late-night political pundits, as compiled at http://politicalhumor.about.com.

First debate:

  • "With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, 'Way ahead of you. Don't worry about that.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "At one point last night, President Obama said the one thing about being president is learning to say no -- especially when someone asks, 'Do you feel ready for this debate?' " -- Conan O'Brien

  • "During Wednesday's debate, Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS -- it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." -- Seth Meyers

  • "Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point -- or as it's also known, 'the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama." -- Jay Leno

Second debate:

  • "This week's debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters." -- Bill Maher

  • "(Romney) never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote is not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the work force. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.' " -- Bill Maher

  • "A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off." -- Jimmy Kimmel

  • "One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' " -- Conan O'Brien

  • "Tonight's debate was what they call the town-hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place." -- Jimmy Kimmel

Third debate:

  • "Tonight, President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Fla. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." -- Conan O'Brien

  • "Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle -- making sure those voters still are alive for the election." -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama." -- Jay Leno

  • "That was some debate last night. At one point, moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.' " -- Jay Leno

Veep debate:

  • "The vice presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him 'like a cannonball.' In response, Biden was like, 'There's gonna be a pool there?' " -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they're going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt." -- David Letterman

  • "It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the first one either." -- David Letterman

  • "There is a lot of anticipation for tonight's vice presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate." -- Jay Leno

  • "You know Obama's campaign is in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around." -- David Letterman

  • "Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice presidential debate. Even the ladies from 'The View' were like, 'Dude -- wait your turn!' " -- Jimmy Fallon

Miscellany:

  • "A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

  • "The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change.' " -- Jay Leno

  • "Polling across the country shows the presidential race now is neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney." -- Conan O'Brien

That explains it

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store delivered the TV and installed the antenna the next day.

That evening, the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning, he turned on the TV and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch, he tried the TV again but still found only political ads.

The next day, still with only political ads on the television, he called the store to complain. The owner said it was impossible for every channel to have only political ads but agreed to send a repairman to check.

When the repairman arrived, he found the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the antenna.

In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.