Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

April 18th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 things you don't want to hear from your accountant:

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table.

9. Good news - you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage!

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn't so bad.

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb?

6. I'm faxing over your 1099 form right now. (Makes faxing sound.)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban?

4. Give me 50 bucks - I'll make your taxes disappear.

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over?

2. Ignore the blood stains.

1. Ey, nice W-2s.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Wood you?

A woodworker reports:

"I use scraps of wood, called 'shorts,' for carving. In a lumberyard, I saw some lovely pieces in a bin behind the counter. But there was a lot of explaining to do after I asked the clerk, 'Do you mind if I come around and poke through your shorts?' "

Humor most fowl

Long ago, there were two brothers named Hing and Ming. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt and soon lost all of its feathers.

The brothers decided to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. Boning up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of tea made from gum tree leaves. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea and poured it into the chicken for two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum tree leaves.

Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves and brewed barrels of the tea and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two-month period.

At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen.

Sales potential

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and applies for a job at a big "everything under one roof" department store.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia."

The boss is unsure, but there's something about the kid he likes, so he gives him a shot. "You can start tomorrow," he tells him. "I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The guy's first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. When the store closes, the boss comes down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today," he asks.

The kid frowns and says, "Well, just one."

The boss explodes. "Just one?" he shouts. "Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid takes this verbal beating without comment. Once his fit is over, the boss feels kind of bad for chewing the kid out on his first day.

He asks, "So how much was your one sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

Astonished, the boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris-Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The kid says, "No, the guy came in here to buy feminine hygiene products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

Birdbrains

At a playground, a little girl approaches a woman and asks, "Why does your son keep saying, 'cluck, cluck, cluck.' "

The mother says, "Because he thinks he's a chicken."

The little girl says, "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"

The mother says, "Because we need the eggs."

Cross breeds

We'll leave you to figure out what you'd call a dog that's a cross between a bull terrier and a shih tzu, but we can tell you it's a gregarious but unreliable breed. Here are some other cross breeds you might consider.

• Malamute and pointer: Moot Point, favorites of lawyers, though it doesn't seem to matter.

• Pointer and setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

• Kerry Blue terrier and Skye terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

• Great Pyrenees and Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

• Pekingnese and Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

• Irish water spaniel and English springer spaniel: Irish springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

• Labrador retriever and curly-coated retriever: Lab coat retriever, the choice of research scientists.

• Newfoundland and basset hound: Newfound asset hound, a dog for financial advisors.

• Terrier and bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

• Bloodhound and Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

• Collie and Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

• Deerhound and terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Current events

• "North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'' -- Conan O'Brien

• "In high school, Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." -- Conan O'Brien

• "Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them." -- Craig Ferguson

• "Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy, power-hungry madman -- and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un." -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship." -- Jay Leno

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.