Top 10 hottest toys for the holiday season
10- Face-Lift Barbie
9- Lingering Hug Elmo
8- Dr. Conrad Murray's "Operation"
7- Arby's Dream House
5- Remote-Controlled Remote Control
4- Scurby: The Furby With Scurvy
3- Inflatable Matt Lauer Prostate
2- My Little Phony Interpreter
1- Toronto Crack Mayor Santa
As it is written
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later, reading:
"Unto Mary, Jesus was born, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide."
Q: How does King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: Deep and crisp and even.
Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A: Nothing. It was on the house.
Q: Who says, "Oh, oh, oh"?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Q: How do you know when Santa has visited?
A: You can sense his presents.
Q: How do you know Santa Claus is a man?
A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
Hold that thought
A comedian from Stevenage, England, beat out 2,000 fellow funny people in a national competition to improve the much-maligned Christmas cracker joke (similar to the riddles above). The Advertiser newspaper reports that Richard Woolford, 36, submitted the winning entry about American pop singer Miley Cyrus.
The joke asks: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?" The answer: Twerky.
Woolford said, "It's the tradition to have bad jokes [in Christmas crackers], so mine is a bit of a groaner too."
For his winning joke, Woolford received a cash prize and a set of crackers containing his joke that he planned to share with his family over Christmas dinner.
Hoping they're kidding
"I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex-box I'll never know."
"Only six more shopping days 'til Christmas. Or, if you're a guy, only five and a half days until you start your Christmas shopping."
"I'm buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying, 'Toys not included.'"
"Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending $5 on my Christmas card, you could just give me $5.
Experts weigh in
Christmas thoughts from comedians, as seen at huffingtonpost.com:
n"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." - Phyllis Diller
"What's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer." - Catherine Tate
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers
"I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did. ... I was in the first-grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby.' ... And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus.'" - Wanda Sykes
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno
"There is nothing more upsetting than buying someone a cashmere scarf and getting a candle. That is what you mean to them - a candle - a social leper. I wrap up the gifts each person gave me the year before with a card that says, 'Same to you.'" - Ruby Wax
Signs of the times
Rick Freeman has been posting Christmas wisdom on his latest signs at Calico Florist and Gifts in Soddy-Daisy.
When one goes out the rest stay lit ...
Biggest lie ever told.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus ...
You get underwear.
Sign of the Times Free Press
A note went up on the newsroom vending machine: Do not buy Pop-Tarts. They get stuck.
Scribbled below a few days later: Try taking smaller bites. They go down easier.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.