Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

February 7th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 changes at CNN:

10. The Situation Room now hosted by The Situation.

9. Sanjay Gupta's hilarious new sitcom: "Two Broke Guptas."

8. Changing pronunciation from C-N-N to "CNNNN."

7. Switching the part in David Gergen's combover.

6. Wolf Blitzer - shirtless.

5. No longer fact-checking stories.

4. New president, Jeff Zucker, zucking everything up.

3. Lifting ban on anchors using steroids.

2. Piers Morgan: deported.

1. More coverage of goats (video of goat attacking reporter).

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

New wheels

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist when the police clerk handed him a receipt after he paid his traffic fine.

"Keep it," the clerk told him. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."

Train training

A new hire was undergoing track safety training with the railway.

The interviewer said, "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes, from my former job," the young man replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that two trains, one from this station and one from the next, were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young man thought a moment, then said, "I'd press the button to change the points, without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually."

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The young man thought about that one a little longer and finally said, "I'd run into town and get my uncle."

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before."

Wait a minute

Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch," says the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out."

He shows him a time-zone display not just for every time zone in the world but for the 100 largest cities.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere within the watch a voice with a Texas twang announces, "The time is 11 minutes 'til six."

He hits another button, and a voice gives the time in Japanese.

Jack says, "I've put in regional accents for each city."

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny, high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"I want to buy this watch," says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet," Jack says. "I'm still working out the bugs."

"But look at this," and he demonstrates that the watch also functions as an FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 books. Though Jack is quick to add, "I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far."

The stranger continues to marvel. "I've got to have this watch," he insists.

"No, you don't understand," Jack says. "It's not ready."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it."

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than ... "

"I'll give you $5,000 for it."

"But it's just not ..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it," the stranger says, and pulls out his checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.

The stranger finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.

"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now - $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

Get schooled

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice.

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled. "That sounds great. Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his adviser, "in her biology class."

Big dipper

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director the criteria that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.