Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

February 28th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 things passengers said after getting off the Carnival cruise:

10. "You know, it's not the worst Carnival cruise I've taken."

9. "I loved everything about the trip except the raw sewage."

8. "I didn't find love, but I did catch campylobacteriosis."

7. "Thanks for nothing Superman."

6. "He looks taller in films" (Oh, I'm sorry, that's what people say getting off Tom Cruise).

5. "Maybe I'm just not a 'cruise person.' "

4. "I need a hot shower, then a lawyer."

3. "Next time, we're taking an Italian cruise."

2. "I waited in line six hours for an onion and mayonnaise sandwich, and I'm not leaving till I get one."

1. "Dang, I missed my connecting cruise."

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Pope watch

From http://politicalhumor .about.com:

• "Pope Benedict announced he's retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day." -- Conan O'Brien

• "Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." -- David Letterman

• "The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." -- Craig Ferguson

• "They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks." -- David Letterman

• "The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." -- Conan O'Brien

• "The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." -- Conan O'Brien

• "Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys." -- Jay Leno

• "The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87, and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" -- Jay Leno

• "We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." -- Jay Leno

v "With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." -- Craig Ferguson

Do the math

Here are some obscure engineering conversion factors worth remembering.

• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi.

• 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton.

• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope.

• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond.

• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram.

• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong.

• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year.

• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling.

• Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon.

• 1 million aches = 1 megahurtz.

• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower.

• Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line.

• 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds.

• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton.

• 1,000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen.

• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms.

Workers

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise.

"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foremen are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."

"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"

Jealousy," answered Peter. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.