Top 10 New York City noises
10. Rat stampede (sound effects: buffalo stampede).
9. Meat delivery at the Hello Deli (donkey heehaw).
8. Scofflaws drinking illegal, 32-ounce sodas (empty straw slurp).
7. Taxi from the airport (car screech, crash).
6. Lindsay Lohan at the end of a night out (police siren passing by).
5. Street vendor changing the hot dog water (sorry, that's a mistake, they never change the water).
4. Saying goodbye to a mob snitch (splash).
3. Me, Dave, leaving work every night (boos - "There he is, get him!").
2. Joan Rivers visiting her plastic surgeon (jackhammer).
1. Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs ("Strike three!").
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, then left for the office.
At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, 2-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress," she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
Top 10 reasons why men prefer guns over women:
• You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
• You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
• If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
• Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
• Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
• A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
• Guns function normally every day of the month.
• A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
• A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
• You can buy a silencer for a gun.
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then says, "Well, I can tell you one thing. There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Suzy meets up with Sandy as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
Suzy says, "Everything OK with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," Sandy says.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"I was, but he didn't," Sandy says. "I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old woman, enters the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," says the young girl.
"All right," says the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," says the girl. "It's my old aunt here."
"Very well," says the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
• Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now is growing in the middle.
• Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• Handkerchief: Cold storage.
• Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• Raisin: A grape with a sunburn.
• Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
• Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
• Wrinkles: Something other people have; similar to my character lines.
• Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking; their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: Take a clean dish ..."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After they ate, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two men at the table continued their conversation. One said, "Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "Really? Where did you go?"
The first man thought a minute and finally said, "What is the name of that flower that you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," the man replied.
He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A guy goes into a posh restaurant wearing a shirt that's open at the collar and is met by the maitre d', who tells him he must wear a necktie to enter.
The guy goes out to his car. He fumbles around in the back seat and the trunk, thinking he might have left a necktie lying around, but to no avail. However, he does spy a set of jumper cables.
In desperation, he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
Satisfied with his look, he goes back into the restaurant. The maitre d' looks him over and finally says, "I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.