Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

July 11th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 Backstreet Boys lyrics:

1. Everybody / Yeah / Check your body / Yeah / Take a moment/ After being out in the sticks / To check yourself for ticks.

2. I don't care who you are / What you've heard / What you did - I have very low standards.

3. Show me the German who seized your monkey

4. Sometimes I wish I could / Know you thoughts, by listening in on your phone calls / Follow all your moves, online, each day / You should work for the NSA.

5. I hope that things work out / For the Men's Wearhouse guy.

6. All you people can't ya see can't ya see / Ford is the finest car company / Fiesta, Focus, Fusion / A Ford will treat you right / Ford: It's the ride of your life.

7. Believe me it's / No offense to you / I'm just not sure / What we're supposed to do / Let's wait on that activity to see if / What Michael Douglas said is true.

8. They were wrong / When they thought that Jimmy Hoffa / Was buried / In concrete.

9. He was pushing 400 pounds / Really hoped his weight would come down / His secret plan was a gastric band / So why's Chris Christie still big as a van?

10. Don't know why / It wasn't something we planned / Every time / Five guys create a boy band / Who knows why / It always turns out this way: four straight and one gay

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Hate to be ungrateful but ...

A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.

He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.

HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"

He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice.

"Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, God?"

"That's me."

"God, please help me! I promise if you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve you for the rest of my life."

"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."

"OK. Let go of the branch."

"What?"

"I said, 'Let go of the branch.' Just trust me. Let go."

There was a long silence.

Finally Jack yelled, "Is anyone else up there?"

Emergency measures

A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house. People are dying out here."

The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and he will do it again."

As the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat, or you're going to drown."

The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and he will do it again."

The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown."

The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me."

But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned. When she reached the pearly gates, she asked God, "Why didn't you help me, Lord?"

And God replied, "I did help - I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Just a little lower

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office.

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"Darn right," replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered."

Multipliers

Bubba says, "Earl, if I had a rabbit in a hutch and I bought another rabbit, how many rabbits would I have?"

Earl says, "Two, of course."

Bubba says, "No, 10."

Earl says, "You don't know your arithmetic."

Bubba says, "You don't know my rabbits."

Brit bits

The examiner asks, "Where were you born?"

The applicant says, "Liverpool."

The examiner says, "Which part?"

The applicant says, "All of me."

The examiner asks, "Have you lived there all your life?"

The applicant says, "Not yet."

The examiner asks, "Any great men born there?"

The applicant says, "No, only babies."

Hard times

A farmer is telling his neighbor about the hard times he's having.

The neighbor says, "Weren't you making money off those two windmills you put up?"

The farmer says, "A little, but we had to take one down."

The neighbor says, "Really? How come?"

The farmer says, "We didn't have enough wind for two."

Hard times, too

A rancher who's a bit of a dim bulb is having trouble feeding all of his horses, so he keeps track for a couple of weeks and determines that the white horses eat more than the black horses.

He arranges to sell them. When the buyer shows up, he asks the rancher why he's getting rid of these prized animals.

"The rancher says, rather proudly, "I did the math. The black horses eat less food, so we're getting rid of the white horses."

The buyer says, "That's silly. Why should the white horses eat more than the black horses?"

The rancher says, "I can't figure out any reason. All I know is we had more of the white horses."

First and last

A man and woman are out on a blind date, and the evening is not going well.

Finally, he says in frustration, "I'm not as stupid as I look, you know."

She replies, "You couldn't be."

Car talk

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of car each drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," boasted the first fellow. "I wanted to reflect myself in the car I drive, so I bought a white 'Vette."

"What a coincidence," said the second guy. "I own a sign company, and I drive a purple Neon."

The third guy was suddenly quiet, but the other two egged him on.

Finally, he admitted, "I'm a proctologist, and I have a brown Probe."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.