Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

March 14th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 signs you'd make a bad Pope

10. Typically spend Sundays disabled by a hangover.

9. Religion isn't really your thing.

8. You pronounce the "P" in "Psalms."

7. Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church.

6. Know nothing about Vatican, know a lot about Vicodin.

5. You think "Papal" is an online payment website.

4. Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife.

3. In times of trouble, ask yourself, "What would Keith Richards do?"

2. Your most recent prayer: "Dear God, don't let it be herpes."

1. Even Jesus thinks you're a stooge.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Quick quiz

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

So far out

An American and his wife are traveling around Ireland by car when one of the tires develops a slow leak. He finds a small local garage, pulls up and asks the owner, "Pardon me, sir, do you have an air line?"

The owner replies, "An air line? We don't even have a bus station."

Better with three

There once was an old man of Lyme

Who married three wives at a time.

When asked, 'Why a third?'

He replied, 'One's absurd,

And bigamy, Sir, is a crime.'

Makes no sense

One night, Murphy is walking home when a thief jumps him. The two begin to wrestle, rolling about on the ground. Murphy puts up a tremendous fight, but the thief gets the better of him and pins him to the ground.

With Murphy unable to move, the thief rummages through his pockets, but all he can find is a quarter.

He asks Murphy, "Why did you fight so hard when all you have on you is 25 cents?"

"Is that all you want?" Murphy replies. "I thought you were after the $500 I've got in my shoe."

Dear old Miles

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub are stumbling up the country road in near darkness.

Says one to the other, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard. Here's a stone that says a man lived to 105."

"Glory be. Was it anybody we knew?"

"No, 'twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin.' "

Burial at sea

Just before their Uncle Seamus dies, Mick and Paddy promise to take care of his final request to be buried at sea. Once he expires, the two nephews set off with him in a burial bag loaded into their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do you think we're far enough out, Paddy?"

Paddy slips over the side and finds that the water is only up to his knees.

"This will never do, Mick," he says. "Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing, Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Finally, Mick asks Paddy again, 'Do you think we're far enough out, Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side. This time the water is up to his chest.

"This still won't do," he says.

So on they row until finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by, and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when Paddy suddenly breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Is it deep enough yet," says Mick.

"I believe so," says Paddy. "Hand me the shovel."

One, two, tree

Murphy and Casey are walking in the woods when they come across a sign saying, "Tree fellers wanted."

Murphy says, "You know, Casey, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job."

Say what?

An American asks his Irish buddy, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

"Who told you that?" says Paddy.

Off the hook

Reilly is on trial for armed robbery. When the jury returns with the verdict, the foreman announces, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouts Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Not quite

Mrs. Feeney yells from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantel?"

Mr. Feeney says, "No, but I'm getting closer all the time."

Indirect route

Paddy stops cutting the hedge as the big car draws up beside him and an English visitor inquires, "Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?"

Paddy wipes his brow.

"Certainly, sir. If you take the first road to the left - no that won't do."

He starts again: "Drive for about four miles, then turn left at the crossroads - no that won't do either."

Paddy scratches his head thoughtfully.

"You know, sir, if I was going to Balbriggan, I wouldn't start from here at all."

Slap strategy

A beautiful girl is seated on a train with an Irishman on one side and an Englishman on the other. As the train goes through a tunnel, the train car gets completely dark. Suddenly, there is the sound of a kiss and then a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Englishman is bent over holding his face, which is red from the slap.

The Englishman is thinking, "That Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, but she thought it was me and I got slapped."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me but kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.