Punchlines

Punchlines

October 17th, 2013 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Need for speed

We're not saying they'll get you out of a ticket, but here are some possible excuses to offer if you get pulled over for speeding (from autogia.com):

* Sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could.

* The doughnut shop is having a sale today, and I wanted to make sure that you wouldn't miss it.

* I was actually just on the way to the hospital to have the lead taken out of my foot.

* I'm late to a divorce proceeding, and if you met my wife you'd know why I was in such a hurry.

* I was trying to get up to 88 miles per hour so I could go back in time to 1957. (DeLorean drivers only.)

* My dad told me that I wouldn't get pulled over as long as I didn't go more than 10 over the speed limit.

* I don't know what happened. I was leading in the Indianapolis 500, but I think I must have taken a wrong turn.

* I thought you were cute, and this was the easiest way I could figure out how to ask you out on a date.

* I just bought this car, and I wanted to test how fast it would go.

* I just bought ice cream, and I didn't want it to melt.

* I accidentally put supreme gas in my car, and now I can't control it.

* The dryer at the car wash was broken, so I was just trying to blow-dry the car manually.

* I'm sorry for speeding, but without my glasses I can hardly see the speedometer.

* My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I saw you following me and thought you might be that officer trying to give her back.

* Sorry, officer, I thought you wanted to race.

* Oops, I was going way too fast to see the speed limit sign.

* What happened? Where am I? Someone must have hypnotized me to drive over the speed limit.

* I wouldn't have been speeding if I had known you were watching.

* I'm running low on gas, so I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out.

* I know I was speeding, but I didn't want you to see the expired registration tag on my license plate.

Reasonable solution

A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own.

One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"

She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

Sooner or later

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add, 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Buzz kill

Jack steps out of the shower and announces, "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

She replies, "Probably that I married you for your money."

Out for a spell

A Yankee tourist was hiking through the mountains of southern Appalachia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Pepper for Pepe

A Frenchman staying in a hotel in New York City phones room service for some pepper.

The attendant says, "Of course. We are full service. Do you prefer black pepper or white pepper?"

The Frenchman says, "Toilet pepper."

Out goosed

Two guys are out goose hunting. As one flies over, they both shoot at the same time. It falls to the ground, and they both walk up to it. Perplexed, they try to figure out who should get the goose.

The first guy says, "We should hold a test of manhood to decide who gets it. We'll take turns kicking each other in the crotch, and when one of us gives up, the winner keeps the goose."

The second guy agrees, and he spreads his legs to give the other guy his first shot. The first guy, being a lifelong hunter, is very strong and stout. He runs up, kicks the second guy in the crotch as hard as he can.

After recovering from the pain, the second guy stands up and says, "My turn."

The first guy responds "Ah, it's just a goose. You can have it."

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

* "They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn't that ironic? We can go to Mars, but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty." - Jay Leno

* "During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other 'rabbits in our hat.' Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear." - Jimmy Fallon

* "A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible." - Craig Ferguson

* "The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Cocoa Puffs." - Bill Maher

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

* "Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry - while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it." - Jimmy Fallon

* "The government shutdown - no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now." - Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.