Punchlines

Punchlines

February 6th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Top 10 things overheard on the Broncos' sideline during the Super Bowl

10--"When does the game start?"

9--"Boy it's a pretty nice day here in New Jersey - when does the game start?"

8--"We should have endorsed Christie."

7--"I hope no one's watching."

6--"This is worse than my honeymoon at the 'Late Show.'" (shot of newlywed couple)

5--"Who's that hunk in the fur coat?" (picture of Joe Namath)

4--"I can't believe they wasted all that Gatorade."

3--"Eli will motivate us!" (video of Eli Manning looking sad)

2--"Too much pregame Colorado weed."

1--"This is how the Jets feel."

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Insult to injury

The Twitterverse was abuzz during Super Bowl XLVIII. Highlights included commentary from the former Secretary of State and the celebratory antics of Seattle's Starbucks-swilling hipster crowd.

-- Hillary Clinton: "It's so much more fun to watch Fox when it's someone else being blitzed and sacked."

-- James Taranto: "Now I understand the expression 'beating a dead horse.'"

-- Hemant Mehta: "Bruno Mars' backup dancers have more rushing yards than the Broncos' offense."

-- Jeffrey Hadz: "Weird to think that Joe Namath's coat was just playing in the Puppy Bowl 4 hours ago."

-- Albert Brooks: "Omaha has just asked Peyton Manning to use another city."

-- Rob Fee: Use the promo code 'Peyton' when ordering a Papa John's pizza & when it's delivered to your house, a Seattle [defensive back] will take it from you & eat it."

-- Josh Greenman: "People are running through the streets of Seattle misspelling each other's names on cups."

-- PourMeCoffee: "Going to be INSANE in Seattle tonight - upgrading to Ventis, writing exclamation points in their Moleskines, acting dangerously unironic."

Tip of the hat

Jay Leno wraps up a 22-year stint on "The Tonight Show" tonight. Here are some of his observations over the years, as compiled at www.notable-quotes.com.

-- "President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room."

-- "A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job."

-- "Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress."

-- "Scientists are complaining that the new 'Dinosaur' movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?"

-- "Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, Calif. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody."

-- "Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous."

-- "The entire spring and summer line from [designer] Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous."

-- "A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well, that should cheer them up."

-- "The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked."

-- "Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'"

-- British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut."

-- "There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us."

-- "An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson."

-- "A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, 'I didn't even know the guy was Jewish.' "

-- "The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home."

-- "Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together."

-- "For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter; it just makes the men dumber."

-- "Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned, but I just like coloring the eggs."

-- "The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane."

-- The [2012] Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kickoff event at the Charlotte [N.C.] Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started."

-- "According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses or space rangers."

-- "According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.