Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

January 23rd, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Top 10 new products featured at the Consumer Electronics Show

10 A Watch That's Also A Portable Clock

9 Return-O, The Gift That Returns Itself

8 Noise-Cancelling Coffin

7 Cate Blanchett's Electric Blanchett

6 High-Definition, Self-Cleaning, Rechargeable Shickshinny

5 Liptop Computer

4 AM/PM Radio

3 Nose Hair Trimmer With Nostril Recognition

2 iPod Inappropriate Touch

1 Bi-curious-Noculars

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Tongue-tied

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well, they feel a bit tight," the man replies.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look.

"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk suggests.

The man says, "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Botany lesson

The teacher is explaining to her students that some plants have the prefix "dog."

"For instance," she tells them, "there is the dog-rose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Can you think of any others?"

"I can," shouts a little girl in the front. "Collie- flower."

Stop here

A cop pulls a young guy over for a traffic violation.

He says, "You didn't stop at that stop sign. Didn't you see it?"

The kid says, "Oh, I saw the stop sign. But I didn't see you."

How lazy?

The world's laziest man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

"They're yours," the genie said, "but what are they for?"

"I'm tired of walking everywhere, so I want to ride the horse. I want the sumo wrestler to put me on the horse."

"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.

"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse."

Contagious

The doctor had just met a new patient who had an extraordinarily ruddy complexion.

The man explained, "It's high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," said the doctor. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc."

Friendship explained

-- Friendship between women: A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

-- Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirm that he slept over, and two claim that he is still there.

Perils of drink

The patient asks his doctor, "What's wrong? You look puzzled."

"I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with you," the doctor answered. "I think it's the result of heavy drinking."

The patient says, "Well, then, I'll just come back when you're sober."

All points

A man at the airline counter tells the rep, "These are my bags. I'd like this one to go to Berlin, this one to California and this one to London."

The rep says, "I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that."

The man says, "Nonsense. That's what you did last time I flew with you."

Stuck

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your user ID and password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or password? Click here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be emailed to you." The four fields are: "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death" and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry. We did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?"

So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry. This service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your user ID and password to continue."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.