Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

March 6th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

As you wish

A husband and wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.

"Just so you know," he told her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Rhyme time

From www.harry theclown.com:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the closet

To find her poor daughter a dress.

When she got there,

The closet was bare

And so is her daughter, I guess.

Who's dumb?

A young boy enters a barbershop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. I'll prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" says the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy takes a lick of ice cream and says, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."

Motherless mayhem

One afternoon, a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.

The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding inside, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife, worried that she might be ill - or worse.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Up and vanished

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. In a moment of stunned silence at the table, one child was heard to say, "I told you that was vanishing cream."

Lexophile funnies

Kirk Bubul of Kimball, Tenn., passes along a new list of plays on words, similar to two old favorites of lexophiles: "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish" and "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

-- When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

-- A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

-- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles UCLA.

-- The batteries were given out free of charge.

-- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

-- A will is a dead giveaway.

-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-- When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

-- Police were called to a day-care center, where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

-- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

-- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

-- Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Remember

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.

Facing temptation

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

Not the standard

A crusty old Marine sergeant major finds himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There is no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approaches the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, says, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stares at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady says, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She takes his hand and leads him to a private room, deciding it's her civic duty to help this tough old military man relax.

Afterward, panting for breath, she collapses against his bare chest and says, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since

1955."

The sergeant major glances at his watch and says, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.