Punchlines

Punchlines

March 20th, 2014 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

David Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 questions on the easier SAT

10. A meatloaf is a loaf comprised of what?

9. What time is it? (You may use your watch.)

8. Where you at, dawg?

7. What city is not the capital of Kentucky?

6. Belch the alphabet - check this box when finished [].

5. Is your name Duane?

4. Complete this People Magazine crossword puzzle.

3. Spell SAT.

2. Write anything in this blank _.

1. Using both hands and this map, find your (rear end).

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Harbingers

From Shoebox Greetings:

Spring is here. ... Time to blind everyone with your pasty winter legs!

From someecards:

May your devastating winter blues finally give way to your debilitating spring allergies.

Say what?

Several Yale students are traveling around the South on spring break when they pass an old man sitting on his porch.

"Where you boys from?" the man asks.

"Yale," they reply.

The old man stands up and says, "WHERE YOU BOYS FROM?"

Riddles

Q: What's the difference between one yard and two yards?

A: A fence.

Q: What do you call Visine.com?

A: A site for sore eyes.

Q: What's a honeymoon salad?

A: Lettuce alone.

Q: What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator?

A: Wow, this place rocks.

Q: What do you get when you bake beans and onions together?

A: Tear gas.

Q: How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine?

A: It's the one with the teeth marks.

Course of action

First thing one morning, a woman comes running upstairs to her husband, who is still in bed. Frantically, she hisses, "There's an intruder downstairs. He's sitting at the table, eating last night's leftovers."

The husband says, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?"

Doctor visits

-- Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing "Green, Green Grass of Home."

Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Patient: Is it common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

-- Nurse: Doctor, there's a man here who thinks he's invisible.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

-- Patient: Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse. Some days I think I'm Donald Duck.

Doctor: How long have you been having these Disney spells?

-- Patient: Doc, I have a memory problem.

Doctor: When did it start?

Patient: When did what start?

-- Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a dog.

Psychiatrist: Hmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch.

Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch.

-- Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards.

Doctor: Sit in the waiting room. I'll deal with you later.

Better goods

Two young mothers are swapping stories about their preschoolers.

Says one to the other, "One time when my son was 3, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him back to the mall - and that time we went to the jewelry store."

Moonlighting

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: That could very well be, sir. The cook also works as a tailor.

Self-diagnosis

I have CDO. It's like obsessive compulsive disorder but in alphabetical order, as it should be.

Round 'em up

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer.

The farmer says, "How many?"

The dog, which happens to be an advanced example of the breed, says, "40."

The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40. I only bought 38!"

The dog says, "I rounded them up."

Never mind then

Leland Parrot reports:

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily, even in the courtroom.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once.

I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

Power outage

A man tells his buddy, "We had a power outage at my place last week, and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new Surround Sound music system were all shut down.

"Then I discovered that my cellphone battery was flat, and to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't go hunting.

"I went into the kitchen to make coffee, and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Remember

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.

Facing temptation

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

Laugh Lines is compiled from reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known. Some of today's jokes are from www.funny2.com.