I've read in two places in the past month that age 53 is a big year in the life of the mind.
The theory is that 53 is the age when knowledge and experience meet and have a cup of coffee. Soon, though, the brain drifts off into semi-retirement. Experience continues to multiply, yes, but the cognitive mind gradually loses its juice.
This might just be gibberish; or it might not. I found a study from a Stanford University researcher published by the National Institutes of Health in 2004 noting that "verbal memory, inductive reasoning, spatial reasoning and verbal ability" peak at age 53.
Incidentally, I turned 53 on Memorial Day.
For the next 359 days I will officially have The Big Head. Actually, since Monday I have felt smarter in almost every way. The way I figure it, everything I say and do this year has a high probability of being brilliant.
I made it a point of telling people in the newsroom this week about my mental superpowers. Oddly, they were not impressed.
I also discovered the cartoonist Clay Bennett, food columnist Anne Braly and I are sharing this magical age. Feature writer Clint Cooper will join us in August. If you are personally facing a big life decision, you might want to run it by one of us.
In a burst of insight on my 53rd birthday, I awoke in a panic, realizing that one of the most important inventions of the 20th century has been nearly forgotten. I feel it is my duty as a big-brained person to revive the memory of this special pastime: clackers.
In 1972 I was the unofficial clackers champion of Maury County, Tenn. Clackers, if you are not old enough to remember, consist of two small acrylic balls connected by a shoestring. With skill and practice one could cause the two, 2-inch balls to collide like opposing pendulums, until, in a flurry of energy, the balls would meet at both the bottom and the top of their arcs producing a deafening "clacking" sound.
Genius.
Clackers disappeared because they had a nasty habit of exploding. Acrylic shrapnel, as it happens, is no fun. I think God might have been playing with cosmic clackers when the Big Bang happened.
People were capable of this kind of inventiveness before Xboxes sucked our brains out. Witness the demise of two other classic 20th-century inventions: desktop pendulum balls and water-dipping birds. I'm betting all of these gifts to humanity were invented by 53-year-olds.
As a 53-year-old, I feel an obligation to give back to the community. Hence, I am making this one-time offer: Please address any questions you have about particle physics, resolving the national debt or meaning of life to me at the contact points below.
It's the least I can do, y'all.
Now, has anybody seen my glasses? ... Oh, they are here on my head. Never mind.