Some favorites from www.irishcultureandcustoms.com, which collects its jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters.
What's that noise
A Kerry man was playing Trivial Pursuit. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was: If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A Kerry man goes for a job at the local stables, and the farmer says, "Can you shoe horses?"
The Kerry man thinks for a minute, then says, "No, but I once told a donkey to get lost."
Double the pleasure
Two men walked into a pub late one afternoon and ordered some beers. The bartender brought them and said, "That will be 50 cents please."
They paid, drank their beers and ordered two more, again paying 50 cents for both. The two could not believe the price. After each had had a third beer for the same amount, they asked the bartender what the catch was.
The bartender replied, "There is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on the premises, and I'm selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I'm happy to see you're enjoying it."
Indeed, they noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came in. Curious about this individual, one of the men asked the bartender, "Doesn't he ever order anything?"
"Oh yes," said the bartender. "That's Patrick Curran, our local accountant. He's waiting for happy hour."
Better than drink
A pompous priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen hussies than let alcohol touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"
Just the one
A wealthy couple from Texas were touring Ireland and found themselves in a tiny rural village at lunchtime. The only place serving food was a somewhat rustic-looking cafe that, in their opinion, had seen better days. Having no other choice, they carefully stepped over the pooch snoozing on the threshold and went inside.
As they sat down, the husband frowned as he brushed some crumbs from his chair and his wife made a show of wiping the table with her napkin. The waitress came over and asked if they would like to see a menu.
"No, thanks," said the husband. "I'll just have a cup of tea with cream and sugar."
"I'll have the same," his wife said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
Unfazed by the rudeness of the remark, the waitress smiled and marched off into the kitchen. A few minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of tea," she announced in her lovely lilting Irish brogue. "And which one of you was it who wanted the clean cup?"
Sizing up the situation
Paddy and Mick had emigrated from Ireland and worked together in an Ontario clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty stitcher. I sews the lastic onta ladies cotton knickers."
The clerk looked up "panty stitcher" on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave Paddy $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, he replied, "Diesel fitter."
Since "diesel fitter" was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sews da lastic onta da knickers. Mick puts dem over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "
The handy man
An Irishman sees a job advertisement published on a building site: Handyman wanted. Apply within."
So he goes in and speaks to the foreman.
Foreman: Can you drive a forklift truck?
Foreman: Can you plaster?
Foreman: Can you lay brick?
Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you?
Irishman: I only live five minutes down the road.
Beneath this stone lies Murphy.
They buried him today.
He lived the life of Reilly
While Reilly was away.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.