Punchlines

Punchlines

December 27th, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Life Entertainment

Silly jokes

Q: What's red and invisible?

A: No tomatoes.

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?

A: Lean beef.

Barkeep

* A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

* A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks, "Why the long face?"

* A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

* I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

Really! What's the name of his other leg?

No breaks

The employee says to his boss, "My wife wants me to take a vacation day tomorrow and clean out the attic, the garage and work in the garden.

The boss says, "That's not enough notice. I can't give you tomorrow off."

The employee says, "Thanks, boss, that's exactly what I was counting on."

Classics from the masters

* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

* "I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat." Will Rogers

* "On the other hand, we have different fingers." Jack Handey

Descriptive paraprosdokian examples

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Nearly paraprosdokians

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.