Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

November 15th, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Life Entertainment

International humor

British newspaper The Guardian supplies these winning jokes from this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe, the world's largest arts festival.

1. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." -- Stewart Francis

2. "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." -- Tim Vine

3. "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." -- Will Marsh

4. "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase." -- Rob Beckett

5. "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know Y." -- Chris Turner

6. "I took part in the suntanning Olympics -- I just got bronze." -- Tim Vine

7. "Pornography often is frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." -- George Ryegold

8. "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" -- Stewart Francis

9. "I waited an hour for my starter, so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad.' " -- Lou Sanders

10. "My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances." -- Nish Kumar

How boring?

After the church service, a woman looking ill at ease approached her pastor.

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend, when my husband walked out during your sermon," she said.

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," she insisted. "Arthur has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Blowhard

The new sanitary hot-air hand dryers installed in the church restrooms didn't last long. They were up only about two weeks before the pastor had them removed and replaced with paper towels.

He confided to a friend, "They worked fine, but someone taped signs to them that read, " 'For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button.' "

Note on a scandal

From Twitter:

"(David) Petraeus allegedly had sex with his biographer, which means from now on he'll only be having sex with his autobiographer." -- David Letterman

Final thoughts on the election

From http://politicalhumor.about.com:

• "I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney -- and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching videotape of that first debate over and over and over." -- David Letterman

• "Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Romney voters were named either Osmond or Romney." -- Jay Leno

"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

• "There's talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, 'Breaking news -- we now are calling ... my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE'S up to these days.' " -- Jimmy Fallon

• "NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." -- Jay Leno

• "The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?' " -- Jay Leno

• "President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago, Obama got 120 percent of the vote." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics." -- Jimmy Kimmel

• "What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.' " -- Jay Leno

• "It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and they're like, 'The winner is -- Al Gore?' " -- Jimmy Fallon

• "They still are counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." -- Conan O'Brien

• "They had a CBS exit poll last night; 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving." -- David Letterman

• "Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." -- Jimmy Kimmel

• "Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." -- Jimmy Fallon

Good wood

Jack Headrick swears he recently saw a newspaper listing advertising a full-size spindle bed for sale. According to the seller, it was made of "naughty pine."

Science project

John Turnipseed says it's his wish to have one more joke in Laugh Lines before he retires. He offers this one:

"As I have gotten older, I've perfected the science of alchemy. In just 30 minutes' time, I can convert beans and hard-boiled eggs into methane and sulfur.

Fair weather

Did you hear about the two meteorologists in a skiing accident? Each one broke an arm and a leg. They called from the hospital about the four casts.

Completely gone

Leland Parrott says:

"I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including readers submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.