Judge Russell Bean is a bird lover, and I'm going to ask him to appoint me to preside over a bird court and see if we can curb some of these rampant illegal activities in the avian kingdom.
Just today I saw a big, overgrown mockingbird take mealworms away from a tiny, hungry bluebird. Not only did the mockingbird have no shame regarding his criminal activities, he sat on a fence post and crowed about it.
Oh, how I wanted to shoot him with my BB gun, but I knew bird-loving purists would march on the Times Free Press if I killed the state bird.
Personally, I resent him being the state bird. He's aggressive and bossy and always picking on smaller birds. Please tell me who in our early history thought this kind of assertiveness characterized the good people of Tennessee.
I guarantee you one thing: As soon as I get the legal papers from Judge Bean, that bird will radically change his aggressive behavior or he will be plucked in public.
Another bird desperately needing correction in the bird hall of justice is the crow. Ten times bigger than other birds in our backyards, he goes around eating other birds' eggs and nestlings. Imagine a big, old, ugly thing like that coming into your house and eating your children right before your eyes.
Furthermore, he never even asked the blessing. I listened carefully as two of them raided one of my bluebird boxes, and I never heard, "Thank you, Lord, for these children you've provided for our nourishment."
They're so nervous and spineless that, when you put out their favorite food -- plain old peanuts in the shell -- they will circle the peanut 10 times before reaching for it, fearing it's a trap. Then they will tentatively extend a single claw to see if they've been had.
Judge Bean, I hate big, old, ugly birds with no respect for any form of life. Tell me, in what other country could they enjoy the freedom of roaming from yard to yard, killing on a continuous, murderous rampage? Any blackbird eating eggs or nestlings within the domain of my court shall regret it until his very last feather has fallen.
The most controversial part of my program in the first Tennessee avian court will be the subject of mandatory sterilization of 80 percent of the starling population. This may surprise you, but it will also include sterilization of 50 percent of the house finch population. There is much too much hormonal activity going on in these two species. For all their love of birds, the American people on the typical American budget can barely afford to feed even a few of these avid eaters.
The harsher starling punishment is partially because I think starlings are the ugliest birds in the world -- with the house finch running a close second.
I know very well these are radical and controversial measures, but one of these days, when birds get the vote, don't you think for one moment they will spare a single human on the face of the Earth.