Baumgardner: Teen years no time to back off parenting

photo Julie Baumgardner

All parents have probably thought to themselves, "I can't wait until they are older and the parenting gets easier."

Those currently parenting tweens and teens might have a few words to say about the idea of ease as the tribe ages, however.

"I have three sons, two of whom are teens, and I would say our parenting efforts have ramped up substantially with our teen boys," Gena Ellis says. "You think because they can feed and clothe themselves, shower without supervision and seem more independent that you can back off, but the reality is, the teen years almost require more parenting, just in a different way."

When children are young, the focus is on teaching them right from wrong, manners and what it means to share, along with learning to count and knowing their colors. Things get a bit more complicated as children mature and parents realize the decisions made during the formative years will impact their future.

"In the early years, I think both my husband and I were under the impression that the younger years would be the most intensive for us as parents," Ellis says. "Now that we have moved on, we realize that adolescence is no less intense and that our boys still need us actively involved in their lives; not overly involved, but involved enough that we can help them continue to grow and learn what it means to be an independent adult. We are very clear that adolescence is no time to take a back seat when it comes to the parenting journey."

When Ellis' oldest son forgot to turn in a paper, her first reaction was to call and explain to his teacher that he had been at band rehearsals all week until late in the evening and was running behind on his school work. Instead, she asked her son about the situation. He told her he had already spoken with his teacher and explained the situation. They worked something out and mom never got involved.

"I was proud of my son," Ellis says. "It made me know he has been paying attention to all we have been teaching and modeling for him when it comes to taking responsibility and being accountable. What he learned from this experience was far more powerful than if I had intervened in the situation. However, I am very aware that his brain is still developing and he still needs mom and dad actively engaged and paying attention."

Here are a few thoughts for future or current parents of tweens and teens:

* Handle things in a way that builds up your teen versus tearing him or her down.

* Provide direction according to their needs, not yours.

* Understand that teens don't want you to fix it. They want you to listen.

* A teens' self-confidence is built through learning to problem solve and come up with reasonable solutions. The more opportunities they have to do this in a supportive home environment, the better off they will be in the real world.

* Keep realistic expectations.

* Spend time with your teen. He or she may act prickly, like you shouldn't be around. Don't misinterpret the behavior.

"When they are little, children need you in front leading," Ellis says. "When they are older, they need you behind them encouraging them.

Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.

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